It's Just A Thursday

It's been awhile.
I'm not going to make any promise anymore.
I blog when I can blog. I blog when I have something to blog.

To say I am swamped is such an under statement.
While I have some good news...my mind can't wander from some issues at work.

But then...work will never be perfect. There will always be issues there.
It's just that for the past weeks, it seems that things are just falling apart and I dread the idea that I stretched the roped too long and allowed people too much freedom. Just when I want to put all my focus and energy towards the new facility, yes, we will be building our second call center here in Bacolod, I am pulled back in due to operational issues. So Mariposa is back...in Operations. It's going to be fun NOT!

No more details...I just wanted to rant a bit about it. Now I'm done.

On a personal note, I just purchased a house and lot. Yes, you read it right.
The house I have been renting for a year now is already mine. And it's a 4-bedroom room...and I love it.

I don't know what else to talk about on Thursday...
I don't look forward to Friday...I will be working on weekends anyway.
Not because I have to, but because I need to. Pfft!

As if!!!
I wish everyone a Happy Hump Day...

 

In Suspension

The past weeks has been quite a struggle for me.

Last night was both a discovery (not a very good one though), and a light bulb moment...

My hopes fell, and crashed, like waves hitting the shore and for a moment I became a mental wreck...but it was only for a moment. I got myself back and now I'm trying to digest all the chaos left. 

One step forward. Two steps back. 

But it won't be for long.

I hope...

Where Do I Go Next

I am sitting at my office and I am not in my very good mood...so I started googling around and was looking for whatever I can read online. I get to a site which offers practically different tips on different things. Choosing to stay on the topic of moving (since I have been asking myself why have I moved from Cebu anyway only to get pissed at people whose views and perspective I couldn't care about!) I found several moving tips. While there are tips which are generics and I have known almost all my life and some I thought were born out of common sense there also new things I read in this site. The movers at Billy section offers me also different options of moving companies in different locations. So this is a trend. More and more resources have become available online giving consumers a wide choices. This is consumer power I would say! LOL

So randomly I started asking myself where should I go to should I move now. I have been prioritizing LA all this time but for today I have a change of heart and had thought of Houston. I have been there several years ago but never had the chance to stay long enough to know the place, now I want to visit it again. So what if I move there soon?! Aha, well, I just have to check out different companies which offer Houston moving services.

But then if only it is as easy as click on the link to check what options I have should I go there. Sigh.

Bacolod, Land of Smile

 ...or Land of Thieves?!

To say I'm set-up is an underestimation. I am not well. I don't feel well. I'm torn between being pissed and in disbelief.

I have been panic mode for the past 2 hours. I just got home from the grocery and I can't find my cellphone. I put it inside my pocket, at the back since I was wearing jeans. My blouse was long enough to cover it. I was too busy looking for stuff that the whole time I never had the chance to take it out, which was quite unusual. I always have this habit of calling the IT Guy while doing my grocery since we used to do it together in Cebu. Now I'm in Bacolod and have to do it on my own...but today I was with Mom. 

Nothing seemed wrong. In fact I took my time at the ATM withdrawing some cash. The whole time I was not thinking of my cellphone 'til I put some of the groceries at the kitchen table. It was then I realize it's not with me. I had to call my carrier and had to argue with them for minutes because they're not able to offer any solutions except to deactivate my line. Now that was my last option. What I wanted supposedly was to just barred outgoing calls to make sure I don't get charged for any calls I did not personally make but to keep the line active so that way I can still keep ringing it in case it was turned over at the lost and found section. I gave up and just decided to let the IT Guy get a SIM replacement and send it to me ASAP. Thank goodness a friend is on his way here to Bacolod (our HR Manager) and now my SIM and my other cellphone is now en route to Bacolod. I will have my number working again as soon as it gets to me and I hope I have a way to recover my contacts because I have not backed it up for a while now. 

I know it will be unfair to say this, but this incident today will be my first and lasting impression of Bacolod. I have lived in Cebu for 30 years and this never happens to me, not even in its most notorious streets. I have bee in the worst streets of Xiamen and Shanghai, this did not happen to me. Not in Manila, not in New York, not even in nightmares. I couldn't believe I will have my share in a very laid back city, inside a small grocery store located in one of the most upscale blocks in Bacolod. 

I don't care about the phone, I care about my contacts and all the information there. I care about the photos there! 

Who do I plea? I pray to the Patron Saint of lost things. If it was not stolen, please send it back to me as I feel like I've lost half my life losing it. If it was stolen, I hope whatever he or she gets from it is worth the crime he or she just committed and more importantly worth the agony it has caused me. And if it was indeed stolen, I swear, I only need a week to trace back who did it and I certainly will get back to you and I promise to make our meeting worth my while.

I am in a new place and instead of shopping for new furniture, I think I'm going to spend most of my money making sure I find out who just screwed me up. Nobody messes with Mariposa. Nobody.

So Much To Do...

...so little time!

I wanted to do Fun Monday, failed.

I wanted to do Manic Monday, failed.

I wanted to do Music Monday, failed.

Duh?!

Anyway, there are other things I wanted to blog about...but can't seem to find time to do...so this is going to be quick...since I'm at work now.

(((SIGH)))

Weekend was so short...but they say, if it's too short, it means it was fun! Ha, I so hope that's what it means all the time.

Anyway, Saturday I went to the mall with IT Guy...and I bought this really nice mini-skirt! LOL Gezzz...friends of Tribal Wars should laugh, because though the skirt has nothing to do with tribal wars, at the back of it, says "princess", guess what I am Princess Mariposa in our tribe...LOL But IT Guy says it's too short...yet, well, he like the "princess" thingy there, so there, I got it!

I was supposed to have dinner with other members of management Sautrday evening...then, I overslept, so I missed it! Pffft! Oh well...

I got up early mornig the next day...went jogging, then malling again! Well, I did the grocery...then lunch with IT Guy. And he saw this really nice shoes...a Cinderella-like slipper...so he bought for me! WooT! I should snap photos of it soon...

Then, we had our salon thingy...and massage. Then, party! I ended my Sunday with 10 shots of tequila...I wonder if that's what made it short, eh?!

So, how was your weekend?

I still owe some peopel some post...so I should be back really soon...wish everyone a great week ahead!!!

Mwah!

Storm

my whole being twist
thinking of you, i vomit
die away from me

you promise me X
now you tell me you can't X
and i'm left so pissed

you were my sunshine
but now you are more like
harmful UV rays

regret gains its strength
from delusion of hindsight--
it is a mirage

I'm Back!

without internet

for a week is horrific

saying it mildly

lousy ISP,

with CRAPtacular service,

is so much fun - NOT!

after a week of

ranting...yelling and begging

my internet's back!

and now that im back

i just dont know what to say

except, that i'm back!

For more Haiku, please visit A Mommy Story!

I need A Vacation Away From Myself

I am skilled at making everything look good on the surface, but something isn't quite right. It feels as if the truth keeps slipping away from me just as I get closer to it. And I'm trying to make the most sense out of it.

My mind is tired...my body aches. I don't have fever...but I'm feeling I'm suffering from some sort! Muscle pain is horrific...nothing too serious, yet everything seems to be a discomfort.

I skipped work yesterday to just stay in bed. I had been sleeping most of the time since weekend, waking up TIRED.

My mind is in a race and it is stressing my body!

I'm trying to shelve my mind. I'm trying to make my thoughts STOP. I'm trying not to focus on everything.

Ah, compartmentalization, I beseech you!



This was originally written last Feb. 19 at around 8:27 PM. I wanted to publish this to RealMental, yet while waiting for it to get to that site, I'm publishing it HERE.

My 15 Things

I grab this from the lovely Abbersnail of Bright Yellow World.

This is a list of 15 things you haven't told to people but have been meaning to...yes, each is addressed to a different person.

I find this exercise cathartic...and maybe you can try this!

Here are the things I've been meaning to tell to some people...

1. Thanks for having me!

2. Thank you for being there with me through think and thin. I'm now beginning to understand you.

3. Thank you for loving me...though you rarely said it to me, I don't mind, because I feel it everyday!

4. I have been thinking you are never ready to go through lifetime responsibilities yet...you seem to be doing fine already. Keep it up! I'm proud of you.

5. You are such a great mentor...you help me become who I am. Thank you for helping me realize that contentment is finding success in the things I already have.

6. You are one person who can make me laugh no matter what the circumstances are and I can forgive you anything because of that!

7. Now I'm not sure anymore how real you are but your existence in any way helps me get by...and I wouldn't have managed to be here without you. Thank you!

8. You are one person who can understand me by a mere look at me, with you I simply don't have to explain myself. I miss you so much and it pains me that we are oceans away...

9. You are a living proof that stupidity can sometimes cure my craziness.

10. If this makes me a bitch, so be it, but I do hope that one day bad karma will bite you in the ass...HARD!

11. One of my greatest fear is that you break my statistics in forgiveness...because I think you are one person I can't forgive and I fear so much that on the day you die, I might have to wear all RED in rejoice.

12. I trusted you...respected you...despite all the mess that I see you do everyday. Working with you is such a blessing, for I may not have the clearest idea on who I want to be, but at least I know I will do anything in my power so I don't end up being like you.

13. You have no idea how satisfied I am to see you go through the humiliation, unfairness and injustice that you made me endure with you a year ago. May you live a long interesting life...to understand what "retribution" means.

14. There was a time I really thought I was head over heels with my hate for you...but now, I can't remember that feeling anymore. You simply don't exist!

15. I can’t believe that we are still friends after all...

The Power of Suggestion

...is very powerful!

So, I say, I AM FINE.

I'm fine really...just a bit confused about romantic and business relationships today. I'm having some difficulty in understanding what is going on. So, I alternate between being serious and being lost in fantasy. On one hand, it's hard to loosen up enough to enjoy myself...and on the other hand...dealing with reality seems impossible when we are dreaming...and so I'm trying to bring these two sides together in order to balance my so-called life.

And from here, I'm seeing a bit of turmoil heading my way. What if knowing what's going on was just a thought and turns out to be really different from my dream? What and ever. For sure, I will not feel sorry for myself should that happen. That doesn't have to be unpleasant. I just have to make sure I keep at least one foot on the ground, even if it seems I'll be kicking up a storm with the other one.

Hey, It's Your Loss

You know, it could have been something awesome.

I could have treated you in ways that are usually saved for romance novels.

I could have respected your boundaries, yet pushed the envelope to enable you to explore feelings, emotions and excitement you have never experienced before.

You would have known the feeling of how it feels to have someone appreciate your essence, your very being.

You would have known the feeling of orgasms that only comes with the kind of real attention that comes from somebody who gets excited more by stimulating you than using you as a partner.
Experience and patience are tools that I could have deftly used to teach you how wonderful I could make you feel.

You know I am a “wonderful lady” and muse how lucky somebody ELSE would be to have my attention. But, you don’t think of me that way. With your eyes open, I just don’t do it for you. Too bad, you didn’t just close your eyes for a second and take a chance. I could have really made it worth your while.

In the end...it really was your loss.

Note: This was not directed to anyone specifically, or even in somebody’s general direction. It is just how I feel right now.

Gap Analysis?!

when the distance seems to increase with time
my days turn into nights, then to a blank space
nothing is wrong, yet everything is not fine either
grating, like a pulled thread in a border of lace

as the fire within still burns, lighting up the line
my fingers remember the curves of your face
cheeks tinged deep with the flush of rhum

this feeling's not for everyone,
can you define what it means to feel this way without a trace
this enigma of being and yet not being mine
i'm running hard but not keeping up the pace
what i want is not always what i can get
the gap is a void that's not always offset

Random Post

I have gladness, contentment and fears and loneliness rolled into one at this very moment...

...then ouf of nowhere, I remember this.




[Verse 1](Drew Barrymore)
I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on!

(Hugh Grant)
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

[Chorus](Both)
All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
Oooooh.

[Verse 2](Drew Barrymore)
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!

(Hugh Grant)
I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

[Chorus](Both)
All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!
Oooooooh, Ooooooh, Ooooooh.

[Middle-eight](Drew Barrymore)
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way
I feel I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

[Chorus](Both)
All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!
Oooooooh. Oooooooh. Ooooooooh.
Oooooooh. Ooooooh Ooooooooh. Ooooooooh.

Sink or Swim

Today I cried. I am not a crier. I hold it in until I can’t anymore. I and the world around me would probably be better off if I did cry more, but I never have been able to well. It’s always been a sign of weakness to me. I don’t see others as weak for crying, but myself. I learned early on that it showed whoever was causing me pain that they had gotten to me, they had won.

With my some close friends, for a while I felt safe, and would easily cry around them. Eventually, some of them started using it against me, even though they encouraged it at the beginning. It became a weapon they could use to hurt me with.

There has always been a part of me that was closed off with people I care most. Unfortunately, they had to deal with all the baggage I had from my past, and I never was soft around them.

Lately, I haven’t been able to find a safe zone. There are a few people in my life that I could feel that way towards, but I just can’t seem to open up. If I actually admit how much I care, then it becomes too real. They then have weapons to hurt me with. Even if they don’t mean to, it happens.
It can be overwhelming to realize that the things you want most in life, you can’t have, and it’s because of yourself, not anyone or anything else. I have only myself to blame for the paths I have taken and will take in life. So often in life, I have found myself paralyzed with fear. Usually my response is to charge ahead, be damned with the consequences.

I stand on the edge of this cliff, looking over right now. I can turn around and go back, down the path I took up, knowing it’s pitfalls and smooth areas. I can take comfort in the easy way. Or, I can take a leap and jump into the water. I can hope and pray I don’t hit rocks, and that there is someone/something nearby to haul me in. I have not a single guarantee. I have no way to know what awaits me other than a vast ocean below me. I don’t know how to swim. I so very desperately want to jump. I want to feel the wind against my skin and hair as I take the plunge. I want to feel the water, to find out if it is cold or hot. I find myself so scared I am trembling though, and I can’t make the first move to jump. I look back, thinking how safe the way I came was. I also think how boring and long it was. When I look at the water again, I am reminded of how much freedom there is, of how much possible personal strength I can find. I can only pretend to guess at most of the pitfalls that route home has. I don’t even know if it leads towards home.

Where do I belong? Is the way home on that dry, rather lonely, sometimes funny path I took to get to this point? Or, is the way home down below, on the scary as hell, completely unsafe drop in land? Both ways inspire fear, longing, a sense of safety, the sense of the familiar. One provides known pitfalls, the other completely unknown.

I can only go with my instincts, but it’s going to take me time to figure out what they are telling me.

!@%#?^

I've got headache. Not just a headache but a fucking migraine. The kind you wake up with. The kind that makes you wince.

Stupid migraines....and when I get this it only mean one thing, my hormones are RAGING.

I feel such a lunatic, no wonder!

And this is on top of my CFIDS. To make matter worst, somebody with all this insensitivity, still has nothing in his head but to argue with me that I have pneumonia and that is after I tell him million times that I don't have one and it is CFIDS that I am having.

So that means my vacation plan is changed because I can't fucking stand spending my vacation time (something I have to fight like hell in the office) which is supposedly for relaxing and getting better with somebody more neurotic than I am.

So I am not sure not if I am going to LA...but I'm sure I'm going to see Red and do TaiChi with him...and hopefully, it can help me with my CFIDS.

Sad, Funny and Pathetic

This is how I would describe my state right now.

Staying sick at home gave me a lot of realizations. I'm not searching for perfection, just a more content state or to content/ happy with how things are for most of the time. Emphasis on those last five words! Now, I am like torn between reality and redemption sort of thing...

I have two major issues right now.

1. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
-This line can be applied to me either way. I am not more concern on being the option, but I sure feel guilty to the person whom I just made an option. I would like to clarify though that this was never clear to me until the past days. It's funny how we hurt people we care a lot about without knowing it. Sad but true most of the time. On not minding if I am just being one of his option sounds so pathetic to me. But reality bites.


2. One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.
-The saddest part is, I do not know when I will ever have the courage to say to these people what I think and how I feel. It's perhaps something to strive for, as long as the striving doe not make the striver (or strivee? duh! LOL) unbearably frustrated!

If at first you don't succeed...give up!!! (Nah...yes...maybe...LOL)

Mind Ramblings

I have one thousand and one issues right now...personal and work-related.

If only the mind has some limits on its capacity to contain and process information, I think mine would have burst TODAY!

I cannot share so much details today because I am not sure where to start and how.

Just check for updates soon. Who knows I will have some exciting things going on with me by then, maybe change of job...change of company...change of marital status? LOL

When the going gets tough...

Mariposa gets slogging.

That is what it feels like since I started with this company 10 months ago. There is really nothing wrong with spending more hours at work if it is necessary, but when it becomes like part of your shift to stay at least 3 hours everyday, that is a different story. Personally I wold say what is the point of overtime if you are able to do it within the your shift? I hate to think that loyalty and hardwork are measure by the number of OTs you render in a month. For me, that is inefficiency! But what about unreasonable deadlines? Ah, that is a different story.

That is my story for the day.

I am working of a zillion of processes and procedures right now, not to mention the fact that I need to draft the policy that would suport each of those, including forms, flow charts, everything! And, I have until mid of April to do them all. Fine, 15 days is not so bad, well, can I mention the fact that 5 days of that 15 days are holidays? So that leaves me with just 10 days, less my rest days, so that makes it 7 days! Unless I decide to literally live in my office for those days, I just don't think I would be able to finish everything.

To make matter worst, I have to prepare for an exam. Yes, another set of exam to get accreditation with COPC, and I only have those 5 holidays to make my preparations. This exam is like a make or break in my career at this moment, damn if I get it, damn if I don't. It's like the devil and the deep blue sea...now I'm getting a headache.

I'm squeezing my head for a focus, but focus on what? My processes or my exam? I should say everything are so untimely for me right now. I'm going through a lot os stress with work politics, emotional conflicts, issues with relationship (oh yes, I have a love life too you know, something so important to me, and has been neglected because of this so called job that I have) personal needs, and a long list of what have you.

I just can't help but feel shitty about all these predicaments...I have a lot of things to do and I just don't think I'd be able to finish them all even if I work for 24 hours. how freaking cool is that?
Well that’s about it, I suppose. Everything else is status quo. I still have my body parts, and I think I still have my sanity too. :P

I am just hoping for the best and getting ready for the worst.

Guess we won’t know till we know.

Don't Pee On My Leg And Tell Me It's Raining!

It becomes difficult to blog when my mind turns to mush. And work is slowly turning my brain to mush. The more I try to figure things out, the more confusing it makes things.

I have of course always assumed that SHE was the way SHE was, just because SHE enjoys torturing me. While this may still be the fact, our most recent incident leads me to believe that SHE is not so much evil as SHE is In-Fucking-Sane.

People do try their wings once in awhile, that is understandable and anybody who passed through adolescense would know that.

But if people try their wings on you, what are you most likely to do? Or should I say, what are you supposed to do?

The wind in my sails was deliberately, and visciously tampered with last night. The part that makes it the worst, is that I know it was on purpose. Worst still, is that I let it get to me. And get to me it did... damnit. (I know I have my ways with words...)

So I tried to get into details in a hope of fixing the problem. What a false hope it was. To top it all, I got a long list of details, facts, or should I say, derailed details, mutated facts rub down my throat...and they expect me to believe that. WTF?! Grow up people!

I wouldn't be Process Improvement Manager (something that you can never do in many years) had I been born yesterday. You don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining...

I hope I am wrong but my logic has yet to fail me...

So, if you get your ID with all the correct information on it except your department and your designation and they tell you it's just a minor lapses and it only happens to you...well then, you just got peed on!

If they tell you getting another color code for your ID to represent your independent department is too much and impossible, you just got peed on!

When those who call themselves authorities on issues and subject matters stand up and try to tell you 'Thus saith the Law' and there's no internal witness or fruit to what they are saying, you just got peed on!

When an authority uses control, manipulation, and scare tactics on you and tells you it's the protocol, you just got peed on!

Keep singing, "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" if you want to!

Well enough is enough, don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining. That is the greatest insult you can bring to yourself.

The Weirdness of Reality

Weird barely describes this situation. I can't even find the right words although "mind fuck" comes close but has too much of a negative slant. It's not negative at all. However, it is almost painful to wrap my mind around. *sigh*

I've really just avoided looking at it directly. There were too many other tasks demanding my attention, but tonight there were dozens of moments that were bizarre, or sweet, or peaceful, or "huh"-like, or.... There were moments that sort of sucked me in and left me dangling between two different lives. Bittersweet.

Even though I know most of the pitfalls that surround me, and I'm avoiding those damn things like fuckin' grenades, I still don't know where to step. I'm just sorta stuck.

Or a better way to look at it might just be that I'm holding the line.