I lie there awakened by the muted rays of the morning sun peeking gleefully through the blinds, dancing across the ceiling boards. You sleep on peacefully, nonplussed in your quiet dreams. I almost stop breathing so as not to disturb you, as you tucked me in cosily against the curve of your shoulder, arm draped across your chest. Your naked arm is gently sculpted, more wax than stone, muscle tone slightly defined and skin velvet to touch. I raise my hand and run the outside edge of my thumb slowly up your arm, the back of your hand, the little bump on your wrist, sliding up the arm and the curve of your elbow.
Is it so strange that when everything flies by us so fast and furious, that we seek each other to anchor in reality? When my crazy ideas have threatened to run wild you have reeled me in to see sense. When my unbounded ambition has started to soar away you have grounded me down to be real. Is it really so strange that two people can understand each other so perfectly, yet not be together?
That morning is unique, yet mundane in its unprecedentedness, for there shall be no dawn like the one after the first night. In this light of daybreak we shall never see each other the same way again. You will forever be my first, and I always yours. And in that passage of night, we knew that everything had evolved, and yet nothing had changed. Dare we really say that let whatever comes, we will keep our covenant? That we will be one, in my mind and heart despite the distance? Who gives us the right to make such sweeping pronouncements of interminable proclamations with faces aglow and hearts alight?
You imperceptibly nudge into my thoughts, your serene face nuzzling into my neck and your sleepy lips whispering unintelligible words to the pillow fluffed up under me. Like polaroids of life, the scene becomes a snapshot confined to history. I slide my fingers through your hair, unlocking the tangles of life's mysteries the night comes and hides as you sleep. As your eyes start to flicker with awakening, I wonder what dreams have been unfolding on the picture screen of your mind. But most of all I stare at your still-closed eyes, hoping to see your first look as you awaken.
Every day we meet people; sometimes we meet new people, sometimes the same people. And in each meeting, like bodies in space swirling about and whirling with gravitational fields, we influence each other. We go through life looking to revolve near a planet that spins with us, whose moons sow the least discord and reap the most joy amongst our moons. I hold you tight, hoping that our moons have asserted themselves and come to an accord. So brown they must be true, your eyes slowly open. A reflection understood; one day there'll be no will left to fight, but for now we're going to be alright.
The spirit in you and the spirit in my glass come together as one. Together they whirl about like tiny tornados that tear up my halcyon world and toss it away like a child throwing a stick with gleeful abandon. Words cannot describe the energy you infuse in me, and the surge of life you inject into my calm demeanor whenever you come around.
I hold you close, and sip from your cup of love, rolling my tongue around the smooth silk, breathing deep the heady aromas that rise from the tumbler and go straight to the head. Your alluring smile draws me into your mystical web, and ensnares me with velveteen, enveloping arms. Your touch warms me from the inside, and your cold fingers chase tiny shivers that grow into a rumbling quake that leaves me befuddled and bemused.
You engage me with electrifying fire, burning me up with passion and fuelling me to highs where there's only sheer white light, soft on the eye, and a rush to the blood. And just when we can't soar any higher, can't have any more, the bottom falls away and I dive down into a clammy grey, arms spread wide and wind screaming past my ears I fly. The clouds come up to meet me in a tantalizing hurry, as if time were rushing out from a broken hourglass. I reach out and taste you again on a numb tongue and insensate mouth, an enthralling kiss getting lost in the midst of a swirl of flashing memories and luscious smiles. With a roar the surf breaks over me, and lands me on the beach, feeling the sand drawing away from between my fingers as the rip tide pulls away and another wave crashes into me.
On the euphoric plateau stern resolutions are waived, and promises meant to be broken are made. The more I have, the more I want. The tempting taste of you lingers in my hungry mind, and the unceasing desire to make more memories, to seize the unwilling day and rattle the placid night. The spirit is willing and the flesh submits again, yearning for platitudes to quiet the savage being within.
I reach out my hand and touch you, drawing you closer. My rapt, spellbound gaze only broken as you lean into me, and hold up another glass.
So much with that...HAPPY HNT everyone!
Note: Sorry that I have to embed this word in the photo...somebody suggested it to me. :D
when the distance seems to increase with time
my days turn into nights, then to a blank space
nothing is wrong, yet everything is not fine either
grating, like a pulled thread in a border of lace
as the fire within still burns, lighting up the line
my fingers remember the curves of your face
cheeks tinged deep with the flush of rhum
this feeling's not for everyone,
can you define what it means to feel this way without a trace
this enigma of being and yet not being mine
i'm running hard but not keeping up the pace
what i want is not always what i can get
the gap is a void that's not always offset
"You are the reason I am,
You are all my reasons."
P.S. My hay fever is taking away my weekend, I have to stay in bed the whole time and I just got up to post this. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.
What I mean when I say, it's worth it.
It was nice and short-lived, very momentary yet, it leaves me with lasting memories...time was something we did not have, but we had always tried to take time in everything we did. And how I love our paradox!
I'm never good with comparisons...I never compare feelings across time, so that each moment is built to last me a lifetime. I believe, I can never go wrong with my choice of partners, or should I say,in general, I believe no one ever makes a mistake in their choice of partners.
As almost always, my choices are dictated by that essential moment in time, the way I felt then, even if they are not appropriate now. Regardless of the options I had before me, that final choice was the only one I felt capable of accepting at that single moment, for whatever reason.
So, whenever any of my affairs (oh geesh, why am I calling them such?! and do I have a lot?!) are outed, I don't bemoan them as mistakes, for to do that, is just derogatory and insulting to people involved.
Lately, for whatever reason, I have been constantly seeking happiness through personal reinforcement, affirmation, significance and value because one of my overriding need in life is to be accepted and wanted. When it is missing through a lack of attraction, being taken for granted, being ignored or simply falling out of love, I seek it elsewhere.
My actions are always dictated by one primary factor, the way I FEEL at that moment in time. Feelings and emotions control me, even when I am being detached, and that is why, no matter how upright and conservative I am in actions, some things, somehow releases my inhibitions and the feelings I try to suppress. But I cannot apologise for who I am.
The best thing I figured, is to learn from it and move on. The consequences of the choices I make, whether positive or negative, help me to shape my individual development and experience. It is thus pointless living in a land of regret, beating myself over the head because of unplanned detours I made in my life. I cannot make excuses for past action I cannot change, because the very act of behaving in that manner will have actually influenced and shaped the person I have become.
No experience in my life is ever wasted!
Thinking Out Loud, was something I wrote 2 years ago when I was on vacation in Bali. I went to Bali alone...because I felt that moment, I badly needed time for myself, and it was one of my best vacations!
While watching the sunset in Bali, my mind was at work. It made me think a lot of things...more than anything, it gave me a glimpse of what I wanted to have...or should I say, whom I wanted to be with. So I laptop and started typing.
So, Thinking Out Loud, is a love letter to a somebody whom I wish I would meet in the future.
Ace (there you go, I'm calling you Ace though a part of me wants to call you another name...bleh) got to read this and this is what he Skyped me;
"I thought and re-read and thought some more....and had a desire to ask...yet it's Bali...and the lmao threw me so I'll let this describe your holiday alone....and nothing more."
I did not reply...but wished I did. But in case he gets back here, I'm posting my supposed reply at that moment;
"I wrote that 2 years ago, and I waited this long for the letter to make sense to me...for where were you 2 years ago?"
It’s been eons since my last posting. I don’t usually let it go so long. Well, I mean posts with meaning...the prior entry to this was written 2 years ago...not counted!
I have been busy as hell the past days...weeks but have nothing to tell you.
HINT: It is in the title, yes, that is what's keeping me busy.
Which is why this space has been silent as the grave...oh well, yeah...another winter in my blogging.
The long and short of it is that Everything’s Fine. And when EVERYTHING's fine, you know how it is.
When everything’s fine there’s not much to talk or write about, is there? It seems that I write best when in pain. Anguish is the ink in my pen and although I have dozens of little complaints and milestones, overall, I am well. Well as in really good...
With the exception of some crazy stuffs that I have been into...stuffs that I just can't put into my resume and can't just talk about at the table while having dinner, but definitely, something I would look back to each time I am all by myself in a hammock watching the sun set!
So, all has been CRAZY WELL.
Today, I miss you more than usual.
As I await til you get to me, I prepare myself to receive you and set my focus upon those things that will provide us with comfort and contentment. Though my days often becomes frenetic and stressful, I send my thoughts to Polaris each night that he may deliver them to you as dreams. For it comforts me to hold you in my dreams… cuddling my pillow, I relinquish myself to slumber in the imagined warmth and scent of you.
Tonight, I sit here replete with images of tomorrow and salute you with merlot as well as my most ardent and admiring thoughts. I can almost taste you in the resin that crosses my lips, and I savor the sweet promise of you that spreads through my veins. You are my addiction, my endless delight, and I love you.
I rest in your arms each night in my dreams and listen to your heartbeat, leaning into you and knowing there is no better place than the safety and shelter you provide. My sweet, how easily comes my love to you, for in all things you have been succor, comfort, and nourishment. There is no thing within you that does not echo through me, our spirits dance in slow crescendo of shared joy. You are nectar rising to bless me with sweetness, and by your light I am made complete, made whole. Though we are apart, you are with me, my sweet saving grace. My thoughts, hopes, and dreams spin in slow orbit about you… like binary suns, we revolve ’round one and in one another are reflected in endless perfection.
As always, I hold the image of you gently and with much love.
Have a nice sleep...
whenever I think of you
i find that all the guys fade and pale in both
comparison and significance
Last night was special in more ways than one...
He said "Hi"
I turned around not letting him see the smile that had spreas all over my face and replied "Yes I am..."
Any idea where I stole that line? *wink
You know, it could have been something awesome.
I could have treated you in ways that are usually saved for romance novels.
I could have respected your boundaries, yet pushed the envelope to enable you to explore feelings, emotions and excitement you have never experienced before.
You would have known the feeling of how it feels to have someone appreciate your essence, your very being.
You would have known the feeling of orgasms that only comes with the kind of real attention that comes from somebody who gets excited more by stimulating you than using you as a partner.
Experience and patience are tools that I could have deftly used to teach you how wonderful I could make you feel.
You know I am a “wonderful lady” and muse how lucky somebody ELSE would be to have my attention. But, you don’t think of me that way. With your eyes open, I just don’t do it for you. Too bad, you didn’t just close your eyes for a second and take a chance. I could have really made it worth your while.
In the end… it really was your loss.
Note: This was not directed to anyone specifically, or even in somebody’s general direction. It is just how I feel right now.
Catch me unaware and kiss me fully, completely, before I even know what’s happening.
Flit your hand over my breast when no one else is looking.
When I least expect it, grab me and push me against the wall.
Wedge your knee between my legs and press against me as you kiss my neck.
When we’re driving home work your hand up my thigh until your fingers press against me, over my pants.
Whisper suggestive things to me when I’m in the middle of doing something else.
Call me at work just to tell me how much you want me.
Tie me up some night. Just to change things up.
Let’s go for a walk. Lean me up against a tree and make out with me like we’re teenagers.
Slide your hand up my thigh and under my skirt at the restaurant.
Bend me over and take me from behind as I’m getting ready for bed.
Hoist me up on the kitchen counter when I’m making dinner and feel me wrap my legs around you.
Come to bed early. Stroke my back. Distract me from my book. Demand my attention.
When I’m wrapped in a towel, putting on makeup, drop to your knees and kiss the backs of my knees. Make me quiver just by doing that.
Pull me onto your lap as I’m passing by your desk.
Without hints….catch me unaware….just do it….
To be or not to be...That is the question.
In control, that is.
I like to be in control.I'm a bit of a control freak, if truth be told.
But I have a fantasy that centers around NOT being in control...
I recently watched the movie "Closer". There is a very powerful scene in the beginning of the movie, where Dan (played by Jude Law) is being photographed by Anna (Julia Roberts). She's a very "together" woman on the outside. She controls the photography session, telling him which way to pose, giving directions...
Then the roles reverse, and he, standing, simply commands "Come here." You can see her weigh the possibilities and consequences in her mind before taking a few defiant steps closer to him. He walks the rest of the way and they kiss.
Very simple. Very direct. Very powerful. He had the upper hand for a few brief moments. She let herself be controlled, gave in to letting someone else take over... decides.
Do you allow yourself a moment of abandon (or taking control) with your significant other or do you reserve that for your fantasies?
*wink
