Lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come.
It's no use.
Shutting out the constant barrage of thoughts and questions is futile tonight.
There are too many and they have ganged up on me when I'm weak...
Tonight I am on my weakest.
Where are you, soul mate, when I need you most?
You're many miles away, laying next to mine
While I lay in my own bed needing to feel your arms around me in a
the embrace that holds me perfectly
the perfect fit
the exact right tightness
erasing all the fear
It's been a long time since I've needed your hug
so strongly that it brings tears to my eyes.
Tears that come silently
shhh... don't wake the sleeping body sharing my bed
don't let him see behind the mask -
he wouldn't like what he'd see.
If I concentrate - not even all that hard -
I can feel you holding me.
I really can.
I can feel how I fit
and how your arms reach around me
and how your hands rest on my waist,
fingers reaching all the way around in front.
I can feel your breath on my neck.
I can hear you whisper in my ear telling me
I love you.
Can we stay like that for a while...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Too much booze.
Too much food.
Too much drinks.
Too much fun.
Too much rain...then now too much sun!
Not enough sleep.
Not enough silence.
Not enough moments alone.
Not enough recovery time.
Whatever the reason, I just feel like a total C-R-A-P today.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I have succeeded in overloading my brain with information this month. There have been moments when I feel like one of those cartoon characters whose eyes pop and spin in their heads.
They say knowledge is power. Sometimes I just feel like knowledge has a way of making me realize how clueless I actually am .... if that makes sense.
Which it probably doesn't.
You ever been in one of those situations where events could not occur quickly enough for you but at the same time you really drag your heels in regards to any proactive behaviour?
Sometimes I fear knowing what there is to know.
Can I handle the truth? The knowledge?
Or will it make me crumple and change into someone unrecognizable?
What if knowledge means that I have to face failure and disappointment in myself?
Would I rather not just be clueless?
It's tempting .... but I am moving on anyway.
Que sera. Come what may.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I hate changing cellphones from time to time. It takes me really a long time to know how to use it and getting use to it.
All my friends, especially my brother and Yummy always tell me to read the Instruction Manual. That is something I don't do! He he he! I fall into the trial and error category...if it works, great, I guess it right, if it doesn't, damn the person who made the gadget, so user-unfriendly!
Then I wonder, what if humans has Operation/ Instruction Manuals, what would be mine? For sure, for Yummy it would be a dumb-proof, very short, easy-to-understand manual.
So if Yummy came with an instruction manual, it would be short and simple and as follows;
1. Feed him when he is hungry.
2. Always make sure there is coffee for him. He loves coffee when he gets cranky.
3. Always make sure he has clean shorts, undies and socks all the time. Lack thereof makes him panic.
4. Sleep with him. Give him a bj once in awhile!
Smile at him every once in awhile and he will flourish. That simple. And if he reads this, he must be laughing hard now, knowing this to be true.
On the other hand if I came with an instruction manual, it would be as thick as an encyclopedia and might have the following chapter headings;
1. Reading Her Mind: An Essentail Tool and A Guide To Survival
2. How To Tell What She Is Really Feeling, Thinking and Faking.
3. I'm Fine - What She Really Means By It
4. Right Answers To Difficult Questions
5. Why She Hates Repeating Herself
6. How To Respond When She Says...
7. When She Wants Something Done - Tricks Behind Timing
8. Do's and Dont's - It's That Times of the Month
9. Changing Her Mind- How To Plan For it
10. It Is Always Her Prerogative - Getting Used To It
11. Sex All The Time
12. She Can Paint The Sky Red Because She Knows It's Blue- Whatever She Means By It
This edition may need to be updated and expanded at least twice a year!
Maybe now you get the idea how complicated (difficult? bitchy? cute?) I am. :)
To Whom It May Concern:
This love note is to all the people who keep asking me when I’m getting married and if I am pregnant or when I'm going to get pregnant. And to the others that keep looking at me slyly and hinting that "it’s my turn next".
First, and foremost, how can you think that my getting married and having children (or not) and family is any of your damn business? Do I hint to you that it must be about time to get your tubes tied or go in for that vasectomy you’ve been putting off and leave your fucking partners because you are not making a life together at all?
Secondly, do not assume that I want to get married nor I want kids. It just so happens that I do, but why should you assume that? There are women out there who do not want or need to get married nor bear children. I have value whether I’m married or single, a Mother or not. Please do not define me by my decisions or my situation.
And lastly, have some sensitivity. What if I’m having trouble with my relationship and conceiving? Worse yet, what if children are not possible. Or, what if I had just suffered a miscarriage that no one knows about. (~ in case you’re wondering, that’s just hypothetical.)
How do you know? How can you assume? Maybe next time I should come up with a snide answer. Maybe I should try to make you as uncomfortable as you make me. But instead I force a brittle smile. Instead, I jokingly put you off and avoid answering your questions. Instead, I vacate the room as quickly as possible as my face flushes.
So to all you people who feel the need to elbow each other and ask me, in a room full of people, when I’m getting married and going to get pregnant….can you kindly FUCK OFF?!?
Saturday, December 17, 2005
strange thing is
i do think its beautiful
i really do
i love curvy hips
soft, flat tummies
but when my own body
puts on flesh
its so fuckin hard
not to want to take it off
its never how it looks. i honestly think i look closer to pretty when im not a stick.
im weighed down
im 94 pounds
its the heaviest ive been in years
and part of me feels
the alien voices are loud
the ones that dont belong to me
i dont want to eat today :(
In times like this I need to focus on the small but good stuff. Maybe if I concencrate on the little things I might just get through.
I crumpled on my drive home tonight. I do that quite often, you know. I function all day and manage to leave work in once piece. Then I get in my car and just fall apart. Today I fell into a million little pieces.
I got home, laid on my bed while trying to collect myself. Eventually I got up and checked my advent calendar. Yes, we always have an advent calendar for each other at home every year. We put there some quotes and thoughts and a little treat. Somedays it's candies and chocolates, somedays christmas stickers and what have you.
Anyway, I pulled my treat out this evening in a rather mechanical fashion [not really caring about what's inside the little pocket]. I got one of those a bit silly rubber bracelets. Remember those ones that started with the yellow LIVESTRONG bands? This one though was red and on it is one simple word-- STRENGTH.
Strength. You can just imagine. On a day when you feel anything but strong! Just when I feel so weak and defeated and can barely function...there's this bracelet.
I put on the bracelet and I cried. And in some crazy, small way, it did help. In some crazy, small way, it did give me strength.
I just might wear it for the 10 years. I hope not. I hope it becomes me. One day.
The say it is never appropriate to suppress anger. So I never disregard how I feel when I feel it.
Anything that defies my reason makes me angry! Yesterday was exactly that. I was so angry yesterday! Each time I feel anger, it is a very real feeling and at that particular moment I have an intimate relationship with it. So yesterday, I had a very passionate affair with it that I thought I was about to marry it for good...good thing I didn't!
Anger is always difficult to contain. Most of the time, I often feel the need to demonstrate it, talk about it and let people know that I am indeed angry...only and always, talking about it is not enough.
Yesterday, I opted to talk to God. It was the most peaceful conversation I've had for a long time. But I don't usually talk to God when I'm angry. I always call the Tempest when I am angry. Anger always makes me give the best speech that I always regret. Yesterday was different though. I wanted something else. I was tired, and I badly needed a rest.
I'm not going to tell how my talk with God yesterday, but I sure know I am fine now and that I will be fine. Even that is something we have to decide to and I just learn that yesterday. Talking about our anger helps only if our intentioln is to seek to understand it or find a way through it, not to justify it or hold on to it.
Friday, December 16, 2005
That's how my good friend Tim referred to the Holiday Season! He was speaking in reference to society's track record for overspending at this time of year, buying things we don't really need to impress people we don't really like. I'll bet he gets alot of frowns and raised eyebrows about it from people who will take it out of context.
Meanwhile, I'm still squeezing my head on being politically correct about whether to say "Happy Holidays," "Merry Christmas," "Happy Hannukah," "Kwanzaa Rocks!" I just don't know. It used to be that "Happy Holidays" covered it all and now Christians are up in arms about taking "Christ" out of "Christmas." It makes my head swim and then I just wanna hook up with Mr. Costanza and scream "Festivus for the restuvus!" It's just another subtle way that we separate ourselves from each other, and divided we....
To my good friend Tim-- while others give a different meaning to the color of Christmas, to me it is the best time of the year I can celebrate friendships with you in whatever color you want to paint them!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Having your love, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.
Everyday, when I awake from a dream of us together, I thank God I found you! What have I ever done to deserve such a loving, caring, wonderful man? Everything about you is just so perfect. I know you are not without imperfections, but in my eyes, everything you do just seems so flawless. The way you express your love to me is so awesome!! I feel so loved! I need only to think of you to have all my troubles melt away.
I want to spend my whole life with you, loving you and receiving your love in return. I long to hold you and feel your sweet caress. The miles that lie between us will soon disappear, and we will have each other always. I don't care what others say about you and me. All I know is that I love you, and that will never change.
Thank you for loving me the way you do. I couldn't ask for more in a man!
Friday, December 02, 2005
I was sent down to earth for a mission, a mission to find someone that will complete me. I never thought that my task would be fulfilled till the very moment I met you. I had finally found the perfection that I had been seeking for all my life. At the very moment, I didn't believe my eyes as the girl that I thought only existed in fairytale now stood facing me. Staring at the moon each night, I saw your gentle smile, the smile that gave me the strength to make the impossible possible.
My affection for you grows each and everyday. I am totally addicted to you, and you're the only drug that kept me from dying. When I looked into those eyes of yours, I saw the real me, a person that lives for a goal and a purpose. I pray hard each day, just to hope that you and I can be in a relationship that is more than what we have now. For now, I've written this entry to declare my love for you and I will be right here waiting for you.
This entry is prompted by the noblest of impulses so don't misunderstand the noble mission it is going to convey.
When I met you, as if by a God-sent blessing, I thought that I saw a light of soft understanding. What had come over me? I was not like this before. Yes before I met you, I lived a peaceful life. I could go and return home and feel no trouble. But now, I am disturbed mind and soul.It cannot be my imagination or is it that love has struck too deeply and that I must pay sacrifice for what is asked of me? I have tried to restrain myself. I have tried to stifle my longings knowing that I am not even fit to grace your side. But Cupid's orders are imperative. Who am I to battle the call of fate? I know that when I saw you, Cupid had marked me for his victim. Yes, it is love that has taken root in my heart. But I have been so foolish to hug delusions to my heart. I should not have persisted even when I saw the shadow of your winsome smile.Let me console myself that I have loved you in name only, a way that lingers only in imagination, in a mere dreams, in fantasy, the creation of mind.
And here I am still longing for your attention. I love you!