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Wednesday, September 27, 2006


What a weird thing love is.

If it was packaged and sold, there wouldn't be a supermarket anywhere prepared to put it on their shelves. Love has -

- loads of product liability issues.
- too many returns.
- an infinite number of varieties that would need to be kept in stock.

If it was a car, nobody would buy one. Owning a Love Hybrid -

- means there is no guarantee of it firing up in the morning, then it would start of its own accord in the car park while you're in Target.
- requires you to be prepared for it to flip a bitch* without warning on the Interstate and go in the opposite direction at 100 mph.
- opens the possibility that you will spend all Sunday afternoon washing it, waxing it, and polishing it, only to wake in the morning to a rusty heap.

If love was a computer -

- it would come with five thousand page handbook, that no-one would ever read, meaning everyone would forever be making the same mistakes.
- much of the time it would sit there and stare at you, unresponsive, until you remember the special password needed to get in. Which you created when you were drunk at 1:30 am.
- at infrequent and unpredictable intervals, the hard drive would crash, taking everything with it, including essays, poetry and photographs. Oh, and all your money.

And yet it is the thing we all most desire in the world.

Me included.

*flip a bitch = do a U-turn. It's not a road-rage thing, unless you want it to be, Mister.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I Love Misery...

I love my misery... that's my problem?!

I've alluded to this subject a few times over the short life of my Blog.I truly believe that misery is more comforting than happiness for a lot of people.

About a year ago, I read a book called "Demandez et Vous Recevrez" by Pierre Morency. It's in French because he's French Canadian... the book has been translated and is titled "Ask and You Shall Receive". A very brief resumé of the book:

You want something?Ask for it and you'll get it.Working hard, earning, deserving, waiting for, longing, wishing... all crap.Focus on what you want, make a clear demand for it, and it will come true.We get the life we ask for. If we are fed up with it, it's up to us to make the change. (The author/speaker even said "You like the misery your life is in... it's comfortable. Change is uncomfortable." Talk about freaking me out with those words, especially after yesterday's post!)

Very simple.The author is a physicist. All of this is based on E=MC2... the mere thought of something sends out millions of electrical brainwaves (E) that will materialize (M). The stronger the thought, the quicker the "thing" will materialize.

Far fetched, I know. But consider this.

You think of someone or intend to call them.The phone rings. It's that person. Your brain waves made it happen. What sabbatoges this most often is our doubt and worry.If we start to worry how we'll pay for, what will happen if, what will they thing... etc...those waves negate the positive waves and nothing happens.

The key is to picture what you want. Have the most precise idea of what it is and know that it will come true. Do not let negativity, fear or uncertainty creep in. Concentrate, repeat over and over... believe and it will happen.

Try something simple first. Tell me if it works.

For me, it's already worked numerous times, but my self-doubt and fears have held me back from the really big things I want. My revolution for 2006 is to listen to myself and make things happen.

Let's go... all together now... don't analyze, don't question, don't fear.
Take the leap of faith. I'm gonna.


I am a woman who….

~takes it all on.
~loves to buy different shades of lipsticks every week.
~does the grocery shopping.
~loves orange juice early in the morning.
~has driven over the limit.
~will never do so again.
~was betrayed by a good friend.
~forgave that friend.
~can work faster and more efficiently than her coworkers.
~has been used.
~has been a user.
~once gave her best friend a bloody nose.
~dreams to music every night.
~sometimes feels trapped in a role.
~loves being in relationship (will be married soon!)
~misses being single sometimes.
~always makes people feel welcome.
~loves to drink tequila.
~has disappointed loved ones.
~will be a true friend.
~has no interest in drugs
~has a short fuse.
~has treated friends badly in the past.
~works at a job that she never would have imagined. And feels a little more deadened by it with the more time that goes by.
~gets annoyed easily in the morning.
~gets stressed easily (although I never used to).
~easily forgives and forgets.
~takes care of all the details.

I am all of these things. But these things are not all of me.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Go together like a horse and carriage...

I just realized that my views on marriage are similar to my views on a pending work promotion.

Intellectually, I find the idea bankrupt.

Emotionally, I'm attached.

The emotional tie to both is completely irrational.

Yet...there is something there. It's the ought to want to or .... something.

It's the fairy tale.

It's the hopeless romantic in me ... even though I can see myself getting what I want without either.
Is it the approval? The ... you'll be a good kid if you get married or rise as high as you can?

'Cause that's what marriage seems to be...the highest point to which you can go within a relationship.

I know that is complete bullshit.

Why don't you just get married, they said.

As if that was the only way to validate our love.

They wouldn't accept a celebration of our relationship without a ceremony.

And it upset me ... made me feel bad about what I wanted.

I think that's where the emotional part comes from.

From wanting acceptance from everyone else that this is the right decision.

Fuck that train wreck.

I know what is and isn't good for me.

And in addition to not having a rational reason for why I would get married, I know it would not be good for me.

I'd feel too constrained.

I've come so far...have liberated myself in so many ways.

Your definition of success is no longer mine.

I have my own.

Just not with everything.

I need to keep working.

Keep forging ahead.

Keep taking what is important to me and making that my definition of success.

Not taking yours and making it mine.

'Cause you can have one without the other.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Without Asking

Catch me unaware and kiss me fully, completely, before I even know what’s happening.
Flit your hand over my breast when no one else is looking.
When I least expect it, grab me and push me against the wall.

Wedge your knee between my legs and press against me as you kiss my neck.
When we’re driving home work your hand up my thigh until your fingers press against me, over my pants.
Whisper suggestive things to me when I’m in the middle of doing something else.
Call me at work just to tell me how much you want me.
Tie me up some night. Just to change things up.
Let’s go for a walk. Lean me up against a tree and make out with me like we’re teenagers.
Slide your hand up my thigh and under my skirt at the restaurant.
Bend me over and take me from behind as I’m getting ready for bed.
Hoist me up on the kitchen counter when I’m making dinner and feel me wrap my legs around you.
Come to bed early. Stroke my back. Distract me from my book. Demand my attention.
When I’m wrapped in a towel, putting on makeup, drop to your knees and kiss the backs of my knees. Make me quiver just by doing that.
Pull me onto your lap as I’m passing by your desk.
Without hints….catch me unaware….just do it….

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I Served My Purpose

Some people give you acceptance or friendship freely. Others charge a price. Or accept you or love you for only as long as you can hold their interest. The newness of you dazzles them for a while. They can’t get enough of you. They say wonderful things to you. They make you feel warm and valuable.

Then one day, as fast as their acceptance and love appeared, it is gone. Your purpose has been served. You are so yesterday. Someone brighter and much more interesting has eclipsed you. And there’s only room for two in their party. {Makes me wonder who I replaced.}

It’s funny how I can be a different person depending on whose company I’m in. With those that give of themselves freely, I am confident and sexy and fun and equal. I feel good, valued and content. With the other type? The ones who withhold themselves? I feel like I’m less of a person. I am so starved for a gesture from them, a scrap of time. But that is what I crave. I’m embarrassed to say it. I do it automatically, without realizing how destructive it can be. It makes me ill, now that I can see it.

It hurts. Going from something to nothing in another’s eyes. Especially if you’ve done things for them that you would never normally do. Paid the price of their friendship, as it were. Thank god that I know very few of this type of people. They cost me too much. Their bright and shiny friendship is beautiful and heady and brief but the aftereffects last longer. It’s the indifference that kills me.
But no more. This is it. This is where I draw the line. I am no longer available. Those people are certainly not wasting time thinking about me. I don’t like who I am around them. From now on I shall not waste my time or energy on wondering what I did wrong, or if I offended, or whether they’re going to be in touch.

That’s it. That’s all.

*This post is not indicative of my mood today. Just me letting it out. Amazing how, even though the people I speak of will never read this (or will they?), it still makes me feel better. Like I’ve made a decision of sorts. Cleaned out the junk. Become clearer.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Hold Your Tongue, Let Me Love

For God's sake hold your tongue, and let me love.

I've got problems.

I'm serious.

I make shit up. And what I make up is usually really bad.

I convince myself that you think bad thoughts about me. I convince myself that there are perfectly logical reasons why you would never want to see me ever again. I convince myself that I'm an imposter.

What the fuck?

I get it...I mean, I think I know where it comes from, but I still don't get it.

And once I have myself convinced that you don't want me, I write you off in my head. I move on without telling you. I put up an unclimbable wall. I protect myself from you. I convince myself that I don't care and I immediately look for the next person for whom I can make shit up.

Who am I kidding?

This could be my undoing. This could be what prevents me from getting what I want. This pattern of mine has already cost me ... and I think it is what keeps my friends at a distance. Do you know anyone else who talks about "feeling judged" more than me? I don't.

Another excuse. If I feel judged, I bolt.

I'm sure I make that up, too.

So ... from now on ... you all only think good thoughts about me, ok?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Moment of Madness

I would like to be the wind so that I can fly through your hair.

I would like to be water so that I can bathe your skin.

I would like to be fire so that I can burn your enemies.

I would like to be the earth so that I may kiss your feet.

I would like to be all this and more for you.

But I am only love to warm your heart.

I love you!

Monday, September 04, 2006



Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s -

Friday, September 01, 2006

Not Alone

I am not alone...

Doesn't it feel great to realize that you're not alone in something you thought you were?

Doesn't it feel great to know some stranger out there is experiencing something very similar to you?

Doesn't it feel great to be able to TELL someone?

Posting my secrets and my musings on this blog has been therapeutic, but to really feel like you're telling one person, one person who is going through a similar situation, it's like taking an invisible weight off.