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Thursday, September 27, 2007

Work in Progress

It thrills me how I can step back and look at how I keep moulting and evolving in phases through life.

Right now, I am just trying to simplify the phase I'm on by getting real about facts and situations and trying not to harbor any illusions about stuff...

...attached between.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Missing Link

Not only I had been offline for days, I had been away from the pc for days...make that 4 days to be exact!

So, I will have a run down on what happened to me in those 4 days...

I missed work on Friday, I wasn't feeling well, or should I say I was too sick that I had to stay in bed the whole time. And suddenly I got a YM from Aj! Well, my YM is diverted to my mobile to I get those messages via SMS... I don't want to go into details but it was a good things to chat to a friend when you have nothing to do but just stay in bed.

Saturday morning, I had to drag myself out of bed to attend a christening. My friend's son was baptized and I was one of the Godparents! I always love children, so I would say despite my condition, it was a good one not to mention I was able to meet old friends way back in HS and College. In the afternoon, I got the copy of my policy from Mc.

Sunday...I woke up so early and joined the Charity Walk organized by Alay Lakad Foundation and our Local Government. Mom was sick and I had to help my sis-in-law with my nephew. And yes, I was chatting with Aj again via my mobile.

Monday, I had my massage and rather than getting relaxed, I got panicked after because I had to rush my Mom to the hospital. This can be another blog!
And day is in shit!

I'm at work and I feel so bad, I need somebody to talk to! I want to cry but got nobody to cry to/ cry with...I miss Pia, I miss my best friend!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Sink or Swim

Today I cried. I am not a crier. I hold it in until I can’t anymore. I and the world around me would probably be better off if I did cry more, but I never have been able to well. It’s always been a sign of weakness to me. I don’t see others as weak for crying, but myself. I learned early on that it showed whoever was causing me pain that they had gotten to me, they had won.

With my some close friends, for a while I felt safe, and would easily cry around them. Eventually, some of them started using it against me, even though they encouraged it at the beginning. It became a weapon they could use to hurt me with.

There has always been a part of me that was closed off with people I care most. Unfortunately, they had to deal with all the baggage I had from my past, and I never was soft around them.

Lately, I haven’t been able to find a safe zone. There are a few people in my life that I could feel that way towards, but I just can’t seem to open up. If I actually admit how much I care, then it becomes too real. They then have weapons to hurt me with. Even if they don’t mean to, it happens.
It can be overwhelming to realize that the things you want most in life, you can’t have, and it’s because of yourself, not anyone or anything else. I have only myself to blame for the paths I have taken and will take in life. So often in life, I have found myself paralyzed with fear. Usually my response is to charge ahead, be damned with the consequences.

I stand on the edge of this cliff, looking over right now. I can turn around and go back, down the path I took up, knowing it’s pitfalls and smooth areas. I can take comfort in the easy way. Or, I can take a leap and jump into the water. I can hope and pray I don’t hit rocks, and that there is someone/something nearby to haul me in. I have not a single guarantee. I have no way to know what awaits me other than a vast ocean below me. I don’t know how to swim. I so very desperately want to jump. I want to feel the wind against my skin and hair as I take the plunge. I want to feel the water, to find out if it is cold or hot. I find myself so scared I am trembling though, and I can’t make the first move to jump. I look back, thinking how safe the way I came was. I also think how boring and long it was. When I look at the water again, I am reminded of how much freedom there is, of how much possible personal strength I can find. I can only pretend to guess at most of the pitfalls that route home has. I don’t even know if it leads towards home.

Where do I belong? Is the way home on that dry, rather lonely, sometimes funny path I took to get to this point? Or, is the way home down below, on the scary as hell, completely unsafe drop in land? Both ways inspire fear, longing, a sense of safety, the sense of the familiar. One provides known pitfalls, the other completely unknown.

I can only go with my instincts, but it’s going to take me time to figure out what they are telling me.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


This word sums up my day! And if things don't pick up until tomorrow, well then, it will be my word for the whole week.

Something nice happened though, despite all the bull$**t$.

On my way home yesterday, my cellphone rang and it was a private it must be an international call! and I was so right!

It was Pia! Mu super close friend since college who is in Taiwan right now. We had an hour talk and it was the best call I've had for weeks! I really missed her. She will coming home May next year and we are starting a business this year...

So, for the whole week, I had been lackadaisically dragging myself to do things, with the exception of Pia's call and our upcoming business.

So, I would like to quote a line from the movie "The Devil Wears Prada", two different lines, said by two different character in entirely different settings- "I love my job...the job that pays my cosmetics, clothes and other accessory...and soon my business with Pia!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


I have been used to being wired, 24x7 but last weekend, I have been detached from the digital world!

Yes, you read it, I was offline for the whole weekend, til Monday. I got online back at 0:00 Tuesday, Sept. 18, 2007.

My internet connection though highspeed, is not DSL, it is wireless and I have a sort of sattelite dish that makes it work on fine days, for rainy days, I lost my connection.
I thought I would die not having any internet connection for more than 48 hours but I survived! And yes, I did not even attempt to try the Dial-Up just to get hooked to the Kudos for me there! Yehey!

I realized, there are a lot of things I can do without my internet...or should I say, not having my internet allowed me to do a lot of I making sense...I hope I am.

Things that I have afforded to do over the weekend due to internet outage;

1. Spend time with my cute 3-week old nephew!
2. Had time to greet Yummy happy birthday...
3. Had visited the mall!
4. Bought ice cream and had ice cream with family! (the last time I had ice cream was like 3 months ago!)
5. Colored my hair.5. Did my french tip (both hands and toes)
6. I rested!

To recap, I did not miss much, but had fun actually...

Friday, September 14, 2007

Christmas Present!

I have been wanting to get myself a vintage Furisode. Though I have had several sets of furisode when I was a little girl 'til when I was fourteen, still the thought of having one that is vintage is something I can't get over with.
So, yesterday, I found something on the net, and wow, how I love it! Anyone who knows me, you can have this my christmas present...and make that birthday present too, for those who hasn't send any gift last Aug. 20... ;)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

This close...

I am so close to giving up, giving in. No one believes me when I tell them things won’t be better. I can only hope that one day people learn to believe me when I say something.

I find myself tired, in ways that sleep and medicine don’t fix.

Monday, September 10, 2007

You Remain, My power, My pleasure, My pain

I had a terrible that leaves my week starting on a sad note.

This morning, out of the grey, just like that, memories came back...

How I love batman, love this song...

"Kiss From A Rose"

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen.
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
The more I get of you,
Stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the grey.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
You remain,
My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny.
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
Ooh, the more I get of you
Stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the grey,
I've been kissed by a rose on the grave,
I've been kissed by a rose
I've been kissed by a rose on the grave,
...And if I should fall along the way
I've been kissed by a rose
...been kissed by a rose on the grave.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
You remain
My power, my pleasure, my pain.
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, yeah
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
Ooh, the more I get of you
Stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the grey.
Yes I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, the more I get of you
Stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey
Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the grey.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Govinda Aala Ray!

Though this came a day late,

A very happy Janmashtami to everyone :)

This is the celebration of the birth of the greatest God after Shiva....God's Vishnu's eighth avtar with the name famous to the world as KRISHNA.He is the author of the famous book Bhagvat Gita who Hindus follow as the Way of Life.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Today Is About Bitter Reflection

Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.

So, I say goodbye...there's just no sadder words to say.

But then, goodbye seems too good a word, so I'll say fare thee well. I ain't saying you treated me unkind, you could have done better, but I don't mind, you just kind of wasted my time but don't think twice it's alright...

So, I never wanna see you again. I dont want to be your friend and there's no need for me to stay and lose myself to you. And be abused by you. I dont need the pain from your mind games. When you try them again, I wont be there for them to work anymore.

Sunday, September 02, 2007


I was stupid for looking at you,

An idiot for thinking about you,

A moron for liking you,

But falling in love with you,

was pure genius.

Clueless Me

Today is a darn good day.

What do you do when you have all the answers but got the wrong question?

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Very True...

When clouds remain in the heart...
Water will fall from the eyes!!!