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Monday, August 28, 2006

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything
I am Because you loved me


The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~excerpt from Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone by W.H. Auden

Is it possible to “get used” to grief? Can it become so commonplace within a life that it is the only and natural way of things? Is it possible to move in continuous and spiraling patterns of grief and not lose yourself in it? How can a person experience loss and devastation over and over again and keep on functioning?

Shouldn’t the earth quit turning? The clocks pause? The music stops playing? Shouldn’t an audible sigh of commiseration be heard around the world? Shouldn’t the water levels rise from all the tears shed? Shouldn’t the sun try to hide its brightness behind the shelter of the clouds?

There should be free passes to get out of work, social engagements, phone calls and idiotic pleasantries. There should be free plane tickets to sob on the shoulder of a friend or sit on a porch quietly with one who understands. There should be a never-ending supply of inexpensive, soothing red wine. And chocolate should be calorie-free. Husbands should never have to travel out of town and mothers should sense the pain without a word offered.

There should be Pain Mediators that issue “Get out of pain free” cards. There should be a limit on grief and when it’s reached, the pain stops. There should be a way to turn things off and on at will and a quick escape to a better way. Well wishes and prayers should be enough and the desperate begging and pleading to no one in particular shouldn’t have to fall on deaf ears.

Too many shoulds.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I Am A Hazard To Myself

“Too bad we can’t make up our hearts like we can our minds.”

So said a friend of mine this morning.

Well damn but those words hit home with me. 'Cause you can be damned sure that my heart is often at war with my mind. What my mind might know to be true, my heart cannot quite accept.

How do I make my heart listen? How do I make it stop hurling accusations and telling me things I can’t bear to hear? How do I tell it that it doesn’t make any sense? How do I let reason win out over blame? How can my mind tell my lips to smile when all I want to do is scream?

The truth is that I am ruled by my heart and there’s just nothing I can do about it. My heart’s pain doesn’t go away just because my mind tells me that’s what’s good for me. Part of me likes to be ruled by my heart. I’m passionate. I’m fiery. I have crazy highs and lows. Sometimes I’m glad to be a woman of extremes. Sometimes making no sense is what makes the most sense to me.

But damn it all to hell, it can be painful.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Control Issues

To be or not to be...That is the question.
In control, that is.

I like to be in control.I'm a bit of a control freak, if truth be told.
But I have a fantasy that centers around NOT being in control...

I recently watched the movie "Closer". There is a very powerful scene in the beginning of the movie, where Dan (played by Jude Law) is being photographed by Anna (Julia Roberts). She's a very "together" woman on the outside. She controls the photography session, telling him which way to pose, giving directions...

Then the roles reverse, and he, standing, simply commands "Come here." You can see her weigh the possibilities and consequences in her mind before taking a few defiant steps closer to him. He walks the rest of the way and they kiss.

Very simple. Very direct. Very powerful. He had the upper hand for a few brief moments. She let herself be controlled, gave in to letting someone else take over... decides.

Do you allow yourself a moment of abandon (or taking control) with your significant other or do you reserve that for your fantasies?


Monday, August 14, 2006

Feeling Cranky

The crankiness meter is off the charts today.
Maybe I’m suffering from an overdose of overcast.
The sun has taken leave and my mood is starting to be seriously affected.

It’s been weeks of one glorious, pristine blue skies and blinding sun kinda day and six of dreary, thick-as-glue clouds alternating with pelting rain. Don’t get me wrong, I like the sound of rain, under certain circumstances like lying in bed in the afternoon with a summer rain showering down and the ceiling fan fanning laziness overhead mixing the humid air just enough to make skin against skin bearable but not enough to flutter sweat-dampened bangs stuck to his forehead or cool wet tongue tracks along the small of my back… but I digress…

Mother Nature must be seriously pissed at something 'coz her wrath is relentless.
That’s a good word.
In honor of my crankiness, I’m gonna tell you a few things that bug the crap out of me today.

I hate wearing glasses.
More than wearing them, I hate the fact that I NEED to wear glasses to properly see the computer screen. Nobody knows that.

I hate that my shoulder feels like there’s a needle stuck inside when I sit down to work at said computer screen. And neither the physical therapist nor the chiropractor nor the massage therapist nor the acupuncturist can offer a permanent solution.

I hate living in a world that, some days, still feels completely foreign to me.

I hate that we give so much damn visibility to people like Brittney Spears.

I hate what I’m having for lunch today.

I hate the fact that you (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) have so easily distanced yourself from me and I’ll never know if it was a conscious decision or simply a coincidence that life got so busy that you unplugged everything, including me. Was the extraction effortless or did you give it a second thought? You say it’s not personal, but damn, after everything we’ve said to each other, suddenly being you-less sure feels personal. Either you were/are much less invested than I was/am or you’ve found another “distraction”.

I hate the color gray – the kind I keep trying to hide with highlights and the kind hiding the sun.

I hate that in 6 days I will be 27.
Maybe you didn’t hear me…

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Passing Time

If I lay here...

If I just lay here...

Would you lie with me and just forget the world...

Monday, August 07, 2006

A Passionate Kisser?!

You're a Passionate Kisser
For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

I can't seem to get enough of them...!

World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Personality Profile
You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.

You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Go try it...

I'm back!

I'm back... did anyone notice I was gone?

Hmmm... I wonder... probably not.
But here I am. For how long? Who the hell knows!
Now... what to write? Who the hell knows!

Not all the "I've been so busy" crap I could fill this empty space with, that's for sure, because life is just so damn busy for everyone, isn't it? Seriously, I don't know anyone who says their life isn't hectic enough... we might want MORE, but not quantity... right?

Honestly, I’m just too scattered to write.

But there’s nothing to tell anyway.

And so the saga continues...