If I Can't...I'd Rather Not

every second seemed to heavy to pass
the hands the clock move as if pained
hours in between roil in a seething mass
hours faded away moments just waned
if i can't sleep with you beside me
i'd rather not sleep at all


sleepless eyes open to herald the dawn
rolling and tossing, all attempts in vain
reliving everything that's said and gone
yet another attempt to hide the pain
if i can't wake with you beside me,
i'd rather not wake at all


the little things do not mean the same
without you there's nothing left to see
hope it's not gone for no one's to blame
fervent desire for another chance maybe
if i can't be me with you beside me,
i'd rather not be me at all

November of My Life

What's up with November?

I remember writing this 5 years ago...

Today was a strange day.
I wanted to scream at someone.Anyone.
I wanted to cry.
I think I need to rent a sad movie and be by myself and just release.
I have no logical reason to feel this way. (Not even PMS is to blame!)
Especally since my attempt at building my dream career is going really well.
Last week was one of the highest points in my life thus far, and never ever thought it could be my lowest!
Maybe that's why I feel so down.
After the high, comes the low.
Maybe it's just because I get this way EVERY November.
Maybe because I need my head examined.
I don't know... all I know is


I'm exhausted
and sad
and elated
and scared
all at the same time.


I also feel like escaping.
Which is another thing that happens every November.


Like I want to be anywhere but HERE.


Anyone but ME.


Unfortunately I just have to go through November to make it to December...something which I always look forward to.

One Miracle...

I knew something was wrong...

I haven't seen Dad so tired...I haven't seen him weak...and in 2 week time he had grown old so fast.

I have been in several stages of denial...nothing could be wrong. Maybe just one of those days. He had 4 executive check-ups for the past 18 months. Had there been something we should have seen it. The doctors would know...

Yet, all this does not convince me at all. The nosebleeds, the fatigue, the edema, the sugar level...these things are not good signs combined. So I called my Mom and told her to have Dad's liver checked. 

My phone rang...it was the doctor on the other line...he started reading to me the results of all tests and ultrasound...I don't have to hear the rest, I don't have to get the details...Dad has liver cirrhosis. 

How could that be??? He doesn't drink. If he does...only occasionally. He gets regular tests. He never had any history of Hepatitis. Nothing of sort! What caused it??? 

To be honest whatever caused is irrelevant. All I know is my Dad is terribly sick and we can lose him any moment. I am happy to note though that he is still in a "good state"right now. He can walk. He can still travel several miles and go to the farm. He can still do some of the chores... 

Yet...I know that he is no longer how he used to be. 

I am not really sure if I will hit publish as soon as I am done typing whatever is on my head right now. I want to talk about it...and I am talking about it, it's just that I don't think I have told anyone about my feelings about it. You see discussing facts is way different from talking about how you feel about those facts. I just feel I need to tell someone that at some point I am afraid. That I have not been sleeping since I learned about Dad's diagnosis...I just close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. 

I look at Dad and wonder if he is aware....aware that he may leave us anytime. I know it will happen anytime to anyone but I just cannot bear the thought of Dad suffering. Plus...how do you feel someone you love get ready for his time? Did it ever occur to you to ask that question? I did ask myself that 10 years ago while watching the movie "Go Towards The Light", and 10 years ago I prayed so hard not to get into that situation and look where I am now.

And yes I did ask God why. Then I did ask God why Dad? Why like this?

Yet I don't really need His answers. I just need Him to rest His hand on Dad's shoulder. 

Christmas is coming and for most of you who frequent here you know how I love to plan for Christmas. Can you all imagine how difficult it is for me to plan Christmas not knowing what's going to happen in between? 

The doctor said maybe he has 6 months...

Six months.

What can you do in 6 months?

One Christmas...

One New Year...

One Sinulog (Cebu Festival)...

One Valentine's...

One birthday (Dad's birthday is March!)...

One summer...

And then maybe, we will have one miracle.