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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I Served My Purpose

Some people give you acceptance or friendship freely. Others charge a price. Or accept you or love you for only as long as you can hold their interest. The newness of you dazzles them for a while. They can’t get enough of you. They say wonderful things to you. They make you feel warm and valuable.

Then one day, as fast as their acceptance and love appeared, it is gone. Your purpose has been served. You are so yesterday. Someone brighter and much more interesting has eclipsed you. And there’s only room for two in their party. {Makes me wonder who I replaced.}

It’s funny how I can be a different person depending on whose company I’m in. With those that give of themselves freely, I am confident and sexy and fun and equal. I feel good, valued and content. With the other type? The ones who withhold themselves? I feel like I’m less of a person. I am so starved for a gesture from them, a scrap of time. But that is what I crave. I’m embarrassed to say it. I do it automatically, without realizing how destructive it can be. It makes me ill, now that I can see it.

It hurts. Going from something to nothing in another’s eyes. Especially if you’ve done things for them that you would never normally do. Paid the price of their friendship, as it were. Thank god that I know very few of this type of people. They cost me too much. Their bright and shiny friendship is beautiful and heady and brief but the aftereffects last longer. It’s the indifference that kills me.
But no more. This is it. This is where I draw the line. I am no longer available. Those people are certainly not wasting time thinking about me. I don’t like who I am around them. From now on I shall not waste my time or energy on wondering what I did wrong, or if I offended, or whether they’re going to be in touch.

That’s it. That’s all.

*This post is not indicative of my mood today. Just me letting it out. Amazing how, even though the people I speak of will never read this (or will they?), it still makes me feel better. Like I’ve made a decision of sorts. Cleaned out the junk. Become clearer.

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