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Monday, September 18, 2006

Go together like a horse and carriage...

I just realized that my views on marriage are similar to my views on a pending work promotion.

Intellectually, I find the idea bankrupt.

Emotionally, I'm attached.

The emotional tie to both is completely irrational.

Yet...there is something there. It's the ought to want to or .... something.

It's the fairy tale.

It's the hopeless romantic in me ... even though I can see myself getting what I want without either.
Is it the approval? The ... you'll be a good kid if you get married or rise as high as you can?

'Cause that's what marriage seems to be...the highest point to which you can go within a relationship.

I know that is complete bullshit.

Why don't you just get married, they said.

As if that was the only way to validate our love.

They wouldn't accept a celebration of our relationship without a ceremony.

And it upset me ... made me feel bad about what I wanted.

I think that's where the emotional part comes from.

From wanting acceptance from everyone else that this is the right decision.

Fuck that train wreck.

I know what is and isn't good for me.

And in addition to not having a rational reason for why I would get married, I know it would not be good for me.

I'd feel too constrained.

I've come so far...have liberated myself in so many ways.

Your definition of success is no longer mine.

I have my own.

Just not with everything.

I need to keep working.

Keep forging ahead.

Keep taking what is important to me and making that my definition of success.

Not taking yours and making it mine.

'Cause you can have one without the other.

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