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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Hold Your Tongue, Let Me Love

For God's sake hold your tongue, and let me love.

I've got problems.

I'm serious.

I make shit up. And what I make up is usually really bad.

I convince myself that you think bad thoughts about me. I convince myself that there are perfectly logical reasons why you would never want to see me ever again. I convince myself that I'm an imposter.

What the fuck?

I get it...I mean, I think I know where it comes from, but I still don't get it.

And once I have myself convinced that you don't want me, I write you off in my head. I move on without telling you. I put up an unclimbable wall. I protect myself from you. I convince myself that I don't care and I immediately look for the next person for whom I can make shit up.

Who am I kidding?

This could be my undoing. This could be what prevents me from getting what I want. This pattern of mine has already cost me ... and I think it is what keeps my friends at a distance. Do you know anyone else who talks about "feeling judged" more than me? I don't.

Another excuse. If I feel judged, I bolt.

I'm sure I make that up, too.

So ... from now on ... you all only think good thoughts about me, ok?

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