Que Sera

I have succeeded in overloading my brain with information this month. There have been moments when I feel like one of those cartoon characters whose eyes pop and spin in their heads.

They say knowledge is power. Sometimes I just feel like knowledge has a way of making me realize how clueless I actually am .... if that makes sense.

Which it probably doesn't.

You ever been in one of those situations where events could not occur quickly enough for you but at the same time you really drag your heels in regards to any proactive behaviour?

That's me!

Sometimes I fear knowing what there is to know.

Can I handle the truth? The knowledge?

Or will it make me crumple and change into someone unrecognizable?

What if knowledge means that I have to face failure and disappointment in myself?

Would I rather not just be clueless?

It's tempting .... but I am moving on anyway.

Que sera. Come what may.

Instruction Manual

I hate changing cellphones from time to time. It takes me really a long time to know how to use it and getting use to it.

All my friends, especially my brother and Yummy always tell me to read the Instruction Manual. That is something I don't do! He he he! I fall into the trial and error category...if it works, great, I guess it right, if it doesn't, damn the person who made the gadget, so user-unfriendly!

Then I wonder, what if humans has Operation/ Instruction Manuals, what would be mine? For sure, for Yummy it would be a dumb-proof, very short, easy-to-understand manual.

So if Yummy came with an instruction manual, it would be short and simple and as follows;

1. Feed him when he is hungry.
2. Always make sure there is coffee for him. He loves coffee when he gets cranky.
3. Always make sure he has clean shorts, undies and socks all the time. Lack thereof makes him panic.
4. Sleep with him. Give him a bj once in awhile!

Smile at him every once in awhile and he will flourish. That simple. And if he reads this, he must be laughing hard now, knowing this to be true.

On the other hand if I came with an instruction manual, it would be as thick as an encyclopedia and might have the following chapter headings;

1. Reading Her Mind: An Essentail Tool and A Guide To Survival
2. How To Tell What She Is Really Feeling, Thinking and Faking.
3. I'm Fine - What She Really Means By It
4. Right Answers To Difficult Questions
5. Why She Hates Repeating Herself
6. How To Respond When She Says...
7. When She Wants Something Done - Tricks Behind Timing
8. Do's and Dont's - It's That Times of the Month
9. Changing Her Mind- How To Plan For it
10. It Is Always Her Prerogative - Getting Used To It
11. Sex All The Time
12. She Can Paint The Sky Red Because She Knows It's Blue- Whatever She Means By It

This edition may need to be updated and expanded at least twice a year!

Maybe now you get the idea how complicated (difficult? bitchy? cute?) I am. :)

Love Notes To All Jerks

To Whom It May Concern:

This love note is to all the people who keep asking me when I’m getting married and if I am pregnant or when I'm going to get pregnant. And to the others that keep looking at me slyly and hinting that "it’s my turn next".

First, and foremost, how can you think that my getting married and having children (or not) and family is any of your damn business? Do I hint to you that it must be about time to get your tubes tied or go in for that vasectomy you’ve been putting off and leave your fucking partners because you are not making a life together at all?

Secondly, do not assume that I want to get married nor I want kids. It just so happens that I do, but why should you assume that? There are women out there who do not want or need to get married nor bear children. I have value whether I’m married or single, a Mother or not. Please do not define me by my decisions or my situation.

And lastly, have some sensitivity. What if I’m having trouble with my relationship and conceiving? Worse yet, what if children are not possible. Or, what if I had just suffered a miscarriage that no one knows about. (~ in case you’re wondering, that’s just hypothetical.)

How do you know? How can you assume? Maybe next time I should come up with a snide answer. Maybe I should try to make you as uncomfortable as you make me. But instead I force a brittle smile. Instead, I jokingly put you off and avoid answering your questions. Instead, I vacate the room as quickly as possible as my face flushes.

So to all you people who feel the need to elbow each other and ask me, in a room full of people, when I’m getting married and going to get pregnant….can you kindly FUCK OFF?!?

Sincerely,

Mariposa

Flesh

strange thing is
i do think its beautiful
i really do


i love curvy hips
rounded shoulders
full breasts
soft, flat tummies


but when my own body
puts on flesh
its so fuckin hard
not to want to take it off


its never how it looks. i honestly think i look closer to pretty when im not a stick.


it just
feels like
im weighed down
anchored
trapped
inside
real


im 94 pounds


its the heaviest ive been in years
and part of me feels
proud


but
the alien voices are loud
again
huh?


the ones that dont belong to me


and
fuck


i dont want to eat today :(

Strength

In times like this I need to focus on the small but good stuff. Maybe if I concencrate on the little things I might just get through.

I crumpled on my drive home tonight. I do that quite often, you know. I function all day and manage to leave work in once piece. Then I get in my car and just fall apart. Today I fell into a million little pieces.

I got home, laid on my bed while trying to collect myself. Eventually I got up and checked my advent calendar. Yes, we always have an advent calendar for each other at home every year. We put there some quotes and thoughts and a little treat. Somedays it's candies and chocolates, somedays christmas stickers and what have you.

Anyway, I pulled my treat out this evening in a rather mechanical fashion [not really caring about what's inside the little pocket]. I got one of those a bit silly rubber bracelets. Remember those ones that started with the yellow LIVESTRONG bands? This one though was red and on it is one simple word-- STRENGTH.

Strength. You can just imagine. On a day when you feel anything but strong! Just when I feel so weak and defeated and can barely function...there's this bracelet.

I put on the bracelet and I cried. And in some crazy, small way, it did help. In some crazy, small way, it did give me strength.

I just might wear it for the 10 years. I hope not. I hope it becomes me. One day.