If this aneurysm is meant to kill her, then she's ok with that, 'cause "she is stupid".
For as long back as I can remember she has had heartaches and troubles! Man troubles and money troubles...
Never once do I recall her being content. Never once do I recall a smile lasting longer than a moment. Never once do I recall her doing anything full.
She stands in my way, not really seeing anything...her stare is past it...she is always blank...always looking back on last nights that never were...reliving it, feeling it, wanting it to be part of her memory...to savor it for a while.
She pisses me off!
She started out innocently enough. She had just showered herself with demonic thoughts when she walked in the door...I should have not allowed her! I should have always been in the watch, for the forces of evil is everywhere...
But I let her in. Her heart jumped a little, as it always does when she knows she is winning. She just sat there and waited for him to come. She needed him. He had a way of being able to see past her eyes and inside her, making her feel exposed. She liked being exposed, but only to him. She liked letting him see all the weakness and wants. Right now she had both (or so she thought) and her eyes said it all.
In real life I'm bundled up tight. Guarded and cautious. Careful. But that just won't quell the noises. Won't end her stupidity!
I'm in control of this bitch right here, to do with whatever in the fuck I please.
And fuck with me she does..
Sometimes she's easy to silence, with distraction, and shiny objects...
But she always comes back, 'cause she's a bratty one...and nothing beats her stupudity.
I want this motherfucking stupid bitch off this motherfucking office!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
If this aneurysm is meant to kill her, then she's ok with that, 'cause "she is stupid".
Friday, March 24, 2006
Today something explosive happened in me.
Like a tiny blast of emotion. Driving home my head was spinning with thoughts and confusion.
Then an epiphany.
TV off, sit up straight, breathe... feel... understand... resolve.
I have all this static happening around me. But by sitting quietly in my room, I was able to eliminate one element.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
We all need a place to just be…
To those who think that my blogspace is but a small part of who I am in whole, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Here are reflections of my soul.
Inside these posts lies the true heart of me, so much so that I astound myself when I read and discover just how telling it all is.
I write about what’s most important to me…
the discovery of myself.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Each motion is like treading on ice. I step gingerly and lightly, carefully testing the footing underneath, making sure it can hold my weight. I'm so afraid of falling through and freezing to death.
Step by small step I continue to search for the hidden spot of serenity within me. The one that is powerful and brave and strong. The one that will not break under the pressure but hold steadfast beneath me, helping me stay upright. The one that will stand tall against the demons and not let them pull me under that frozen surface.
I try to remember to take the choke chain from around my neck and allow myself to breathe once in a while. To inhabit my skin, my space, my life. I repeat things to myself over and over to remind me of my good. I try to quiet the voices in my own head. The ones that blame, and manipulate and cast judgment.
Odd how I will stand toe to toe with anybody when I believe what I'm fighting for is correct. Yet somehow the low grumbles inside my own head whispering evil things to me about me..
But I won't be left cower in the corners of myself completely frozen by fear...
Today, the fog is beginning to clear. I'm not sure why or how, just that is.
Today, I have resolved myself to some things, which has eased my load a little. I have decided to let go of things which I have no control over. Those small things have made life a bit easier to deal with. Made breathing a bit easier...
Im finding that ease in my soul I've been searching for and its making my burden so much easier to carry. Small step by small step, Im listening to the sound of my own heart and following its beat. Its good stuff and man, I hope it stays, this feels so much better than the alternative.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
It sucks being stuck some place you just don't want to be and being unable to see your way out of it! It sucks not being able to say to myself, OK, enough of this shit, smile and be happy damnit and have it work.
Why can't I just STOP thinking about being happy and just be happy? Pep talks are not working for me anymore! Diversions only last so long.
Then it all comes flashing back...
Head back and eyes closed. Feeling the wind blows across my face and the sun shining down on it.
That's what I need, that's what I want.
I need a place where the static is washed out with the sound of the ocean tides. A place where the least amount of clothes is the norm. A place where I can lose myself in nature's glory. A place where my worries melt away with each drop of sweat. A place where the only time I hear my own voice is when I'm ordering yet another drink...please?
All this restriction, all this confinement, all this stuff is wearing me down.
I need a vacation...
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I can always make it look good on the surface, but behind the scenes, something is not quite as it seems.
Today is one of those days when I just want to hide, to disappear, to be still...
I can't seem to do anything these days! I can't even write at all. To write is to focus. To focus is to possibly lose my mind.
I have all emotions piled up just around the corner of my mind and I'm so afraid to turn that corner so I'm trying to be still.
I have this crazy notion that if I don't make any sudden movements and stay motionless, if I don't draw any attention to myself, then they won't get me.
I'm sensing all these feelings like I'm outside of myself. And every once in a while I take a glimpse on what I'm avoiding at and it scares the hell out of me. So, my thoughts flit around rarely landing on any one thing for long. For no matter what I think about, if I stay there for too long, it eventually leads me back to the same place. Not that it really matters, does it? I dwell on it or not, it won't change the fact that I'm here in this place. And since I need to function...since I need to work...since I need to pay my bills...since I no longer have the luxury of shutting down...I guess this is the best course of action (or the lack thereof) for now.
These are the times that it feels as if the truth keeps slipping away from you, just as you get close to it. And I make things worse by believing that I already know what is real and that my way is the only way. That realization is not even a help!
So I might be still for a while yet. Just the moment. Maybe just for today. I guess I just have to wait for it to pass...
Friday, March 10, 2006
How does one relinquish control? I think that the inner control freak in me has taken over my personality because I'm dealing with something that is so completely out of my control that subconsciously I'm trying to control everything else in my life. Though being in control of absolutely everything in my life from groceries to sex to finances to the remote control (or so I thought!) I feel like I'm in chaos!
Just when I'm about to pick up the million shattered pieces of me, there I am in a midst of an overwhelming sadness...sadness in the space of an unarranged song.
The coolness of the morning turns into complete numbness...I close my eyes on one emotion and open them on another...then I bleed for what never was.
I know I have so many freaking stuff in my head lately...and none of them is doing me any good at all. I just wish I could make it stop. I wish I coud turn off some of my feelings while I keep the others. I've got anger with nowhere to direct it. Sadness that no one can make better. Resentments for no one and everyone. Frustrations and disappointment that won't simply go away. I used to be so good with compartmentalization...but whatever happens to that part of me?
I had a moment last night. I lightbulb moment you would call it. I've been thinking about it for the last couple of days. If only I could record it to see it in black and white but I just don't know if I can do it any justice. I know that there are hard times ahead and if I can just capture how I felt in that moment I think that it may offer me some peace in the days to come. This is one of those moments when I desperately hang on to something, some thought, some act, just to see me through...
But I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived.
It was then, from out of nowhere that the thought hit me.
I am going to be okay...
But still I have millions of questions that cannot be answered and I can't seem to stop myself from asking them...and it is driving me crazy. Suddenly I don't want to think, don't want to focus. I can't and I'm afraid to.
Some moments I want to curl up in my bed and stay there for days...other times I want to go out and just howl. I feel so restless not knowing what to do...where to go next and when to do things.
Usually when I'm tired and feeling down, it is so hard to shut me up. Other times, I just have nothing to say...and there are those times that I just want to hide.
Today I just want to hide. I've been feeling so beaten down by what had happened yesterday...add to that what just happened this morning. It is really kicking the shit out of me.
I have decided to stopped writing about my love life...well maybe just not write about it too much. Not because I don't want to talk about it but because I don't want it to rule my life nor this blog. I don't want to seem like that's all I am about.
Yesterday, as I was sitting next to the man who would gladly give me anything I want...and next to us is the man whom I would gladly give and do everything for...I have made some few realizations. Better never to have met him in my dream than to wake and reach for his hands that were never there.
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing. I think ours has reached its time.
They say if something happens you cannot control, then life isn't going to wait for you to catch up, you just have to keep on moving with life. If it's a boyfriend problem, then think, I'm worth way more than all this. I'm going to make it and life goes on.
There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. I am going to make it and indeed life goes on....
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
The first hint of warmth starts in the pit of my stomach. It's the blush that comes with the anticipation, the lingering look, the feeling of eyes on me and how I love that feeling. Sometimes I pretend that I don't know he's watching me...
The heat intensifies with the kiss. Not the quick, on the way out the door type of kiss but the slow kiss, the long kiss, the lazy kiss. The one that explores the inside of my mouth with a sweeping tongue. It's the kiss that I know will lead places.
Touch flares the embers. Fingertips sear hot paths on my skin as they release me from my clothing. Rough hands sizzle on my skin and drag hot moans from me. The caresses are what make me pucker and tighten and swell in all the right places.
Words ignite the passion with staccato sounds. It's the words that bring the urgency. The tone of voice...low, husky...makes my heart pound in my chest. The words embrace me just as touch does. They stoke my imagination and nudge at my desire until I am almost blinded by it.
The elements make a combination that puts me on overload. When I am stretched out with his body next to mine, contact on all levels, that's when the fire rages. The warmth has gone from a sensation to a glow to full flame. The flames lick at my composure and send me to the edge and over. I'm hot, so hot that I burn. I hug his body to mine as if to quench the fire. In culmination, the heat spreads from a ball in my belly to all my extremities. It tingles and courses through my body until it wanes, until my breathing evens, until my shudders subside.
Quenched. Fed. Sated. Run its course.