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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Little Steps

Each motion is like treading on ice. I step gingerly and lightly, carefully testing the footing underneath, making sure it can hold my weight. I'm so afraid of falling through and freezing to death.
Step by small step I continue to search for the hidden spot of serenity within me. The one that is powerful and brave and strong. The one that will not break under the pressure but hold steadfast beneath me, helping me stay upright. The one that will stand tall against the demons and not let them pull me under that frozen surface.

I try to remember to take the choke chain from around my neck and allow myself to breathe once in a while. To inhabit my skin, my space, my life. I repeat things to myself over and over to remind me of my good. I try to quiet the voices in my own head. The ones that blame, and manipulate and cast judgment.

Odd how I will stand toe to toe with anybody when I believe what I'm fighting for is correct. Yet somehow the low grumbles inside my own head whispering evil things to me about me..

But I won't be left cower in the corners of myself completely frozen by fear...

Today, the fog is beginning to clear. I'm not sure why or how, just that is.

Today, I have resolved myself to some things, which has eased my load a little. I have decided to let go of things which I have no control over. Those small things have made life a bit easier to deal with. Made breathing a bit easier...

Im finding that ease in my soul I've been searching for and its making my burden so much easier to carry. Small step by small step, Im listening to the sound of my own heart and following its beat. Its good stuff and man, I hope it stays, this feels so much better than the alternative.

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