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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Passing Time

I can always make it look good on the surface, but behind the scenes, something is not quite as it seems.

Today is one of those days when I just want to hide, to disappear, to be still...

I can't seem to do anything these days! I can't even write at all. To write is to focus. To focus is to possibly lose my mind.

I have all emotions piled up just around the corner of my mind and I'm so afraid to turn that corner so I'm trying to be still.

I have this crazy notion that if I don't make any sudden movements and stay motionless, if I don't draw any attention to myself, then they won't get me.

I'm sensing all these feelings like I'm outside of myself. And every once in a while I take a glimpse on what I'm avoiding at and it scares the hell out of me. So, my thoughts flit around rarely landing on any one thing for long. For no matter what I think about, if I stay there for too long, it eventually leads me back to the same place. Not that it really matters, does it? I dwell on it or not, it won't change the fact that I'm here in this place. And since I need to function...since I need to work...since I need to pay my bills...since I no longer have the luxury of shutting down...I guess this is the best course of action (or the lack thereof) for now.

These are the times that it feels as if the truth keeps slipping away from you, just as you get close to it. And I make things worse by believing that I already know what is real and that my way is the only way. That realization is not even a help!

So I might be still for a while yet. Just the moment. Maybe just for today. I guess I just have to wait for it to pass...

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