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Friday, March 10, 2006

Moving On

How does one relinquish control? I think that the inner control freak in me has taken over my personality because I'm dealing with something that is so completely out of my control that subconsciously I'm trying to control everything else in my life. Though being in control of absolutely everything in my life from groceries to sex to finances to the remote control (or so I thought!) I feel like I'm in chaos!

Just when I'm about to pick up the million shattered pieces of me, there I am in a midst of an overwhelming sadness...sadness in the space of an unarranged song.

The coolness of the morning turns into complete numbness...I close my eyes on one emotion and open them on another...then I bleed for what never was.

I know I have so many freaking stuff in my head lately...and none of them is doing me any good at all. I just wish I could make it stop. I wish I coud turn off some of my feelings while I keep the others. I've got anger with nowhere to direct it. Sadness that no one can make better. Resentments for no one and everyone. Frustrations and disappointment that won't simply go away. I used to be so good with compartmentalization...but whatever happens to that part of me?

I had a moment last night. I lightbulb moment you would call it. I've been thinking about it for the last couple of days. If only I could record it to see it in black and white but I just don't know if I can do it any justice. I know that there are hard times ahead and if I can just capture how I felt in that moment I think that it may offer me some peace in the days to come. This is one of those moments when I desperately hang on to something, some thought, some act, just to see me through...

But I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived.

It was then, from out of nowhere that the thought hit me.

I am going to be okay...

But still I have millions of questions that cannot be answered and I can't seem to stop myself from asking them...and it is driving me crazy. Suddenly I don't want to think, don't want to focus. I can't and I'm afraid to.

Some moments I want to curl up in my bed and stay there for days...other times I want to go out and just howl. I feel so restless not knowing what to do...where to go next and when to do things.

Usually when I'm tired and feeling down, it is so hard to shut me up. Other times, I just have nothing to say...and there are those times that I just want to hide.

Today I just want to hide. I've been feeling so beaten down by what had happened yesterday...add to that what just happened this morning. It is really kicking the shit out of me.

I have decided to stopped writing about my love life...well maybe just not write about it too much. Not because I don't want to talk about it but because I don't want it to rule my life nor this blog. I don't want to seem like that's all I am about.

Yesterday, as I was sitting next to the man who would gladly give me anything I want...and next to us is the man whom I would gladly give and do everything for...I have made some few realizations. Better never to have met him in my dream than to wake and reach for his hands that were never there.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing. I think ours has reached its time.

They say if something happens you cannot control, then life isn't going to wait for you to catch up, you just have to keep on moving with life. If it's a boyfriend problem, then think, I'm worth way more than all this. I'm going to make it and life goes on.

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. I am going to make it and indeed life goes on....

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