Fear and Blame

I've been experiencing pretty quicksilver moods lately, for reasons unknown. One minute I feel fine, the next minute I'm depressed. It twists and turns, but this is nothing unusual. It happens to me all the time. This morning I felt fine, a little tired, in the afternoon I was overtaken by a sudden and unexplained rage, and an urge to throw breakable things at a wall and beat somebody up. Then I was overtaken by a calm sort of disconsolation. Now I just feel nothing. The conflicting signals in my mind have disappeared, albeit it's only a matter of time before they return again to plague me. I don't know what to write anymore, for the past few days I've been wanting to say things in here, but they seem to vanish the moment my fingers touch the keyboard, and I'm left with a blank mind. I sit for awhile, staring at the wall, at nothing in particular, an invisible spot perhaps, lost to my sight but visible to my mind and nothing comes to mind. Nothing at all. If anything, I'm just tired of caring about anything.

A lot of people tell me I need to smile more. Because I give strangers the impression that I'm snooty and arrogant. I don't care, I've learnt long ago that it's easier to disregard what other people think or feel about me, it protects me from a sort of emotional vulnerability. Once every so often, someone comes along and breaks the wall of ice I've built around myself and I am left, alone to pick up the pieces. I don't smile if there's no reason for me to, not because I'm unhappy but because I just don't feel like it. I don't think I'm a very friendly person at first glance, but it's okay I guess, it deflects the attention of strange people whom I've had to deal with on several different occasions. People have to know me to know what I really am like, and people have to really know me to know me deep inside. And not everybody does. I just don't like showing my true self to every Tom, Dick and Harry, I hate the feeling of vulnerability. People take advantage of it, and I'm tired of whinging and tired of getting hurt. Given a choice between being alone and being bruised, I'd choose the former. Pain is only good for me if it's self- inflicted. Physical pain is an outlet to my pent up frustrations, it reminds me that I'm real, and that everything I feel is real and not something concocted up by the little me living in me. I'm human, I'm allowed to make mistakes. I learn from them. I hate being anaclitic.

Love

What a weird thing love is.

If it was packaged and sold, there wouldn't be a supermarket anywhere prepared to put it on their shelves. Love has -

- loads of product liability issues.
- too many returns.
- an infinite number of varieties that would need to be kept in stock.

If it was a car, nobody would buy one. Owning a Love Hybrid -

- means there is no guarantee of it firing up in the morning, then it would start of its own accord in the car park while you're in Target.
- requires you to be prepared for it to flip a bitch* without warning on the Interstate and go in the opposite direction at 100 mph.
- opens the possibility that you will spend all Sunday afternoon washing it, waxing it, and polishing it, only to wake in the morning to a rusty heap.

If love was a computer -

- it would come with five thousand page handbook, that no-one would ever read, meaning everyone would forever be making the same mistakes.
- much of the time it would sit there and stare at you, unresponsive, until you remember the special password needed to get in. Which you created when you were drunk at 1:30 am.
- at infrequent and unpredictable intervals, the hard drive would crash, taking everything with it, including essays, poetry and photographs. Oh, and all your money.

And yet it is the thing we all most desire in the world.

Me included.

*flip a bitch = do a U-turn. It's not a road-rage thing, unless you want it to be, Mister.

I Love Misery...

I love my misery... that's my problem?!

I've alluded to this subject a few times over the short life of my Blog.I truly believe that misery is more comforting than happiness for a lot of people.

About a year ago, I read a book called "Demandez et Vous Recevrez" by Pierre Morency. It's in French because he's French Canadian... the book has been translated and is titled "Ask and You Shall Receive". A very brief resumé of the book:

You want something?Ask for it and you'll get it.Working hard, earning, deserving, waiting for, longing, wishing... all crap.Focus on what you want, make a clear demand for it, and it will come true.We get the life we ask for. If we are fed up with it, it's up to us to make the change. (The author/speaker even said "You like the misery your life is in... it's comfortable. Change is uncomfortable." Talk about freaking me out with those words, especially after yesterday's post!)

Very simple.The author is a physicist. All of this is based on E=MC2... the mere thought of something sends out millions of electrical brainwaves (E) that will materialize (M). The stronger the thought, the quicker the "thing" will materialize.

Far fetched, I know. But consider this.

You think of someone or intend to call them.The phone rings. It's that person. Your brain waves made it happen. What sabbatoges this most often is our doubt and worry.If we start to worry how we'll pay for, what will happen if, what will they thing... etc...those waves negate the positive waves and nothing happens.

The key is to picture what you want. Have the most precise idea of what it is and know that it will come true. Do not let negativity, fear or uncertainty creep in. Concentrate, repeat over and over... believe and it will happen.

Try something simple first. Tell me if it works.

For me, it's already worked numerous times, but my self-doubt and fears have held me back from the really big things I want. My revolution for 2006 is to listen to myself and make things happen.

Let's go... all together now... don't analyze, don't question, don't fear.
Take the leap of faith. I'm gonna.

Pieces

I am a woman who….

~takes it all on.
~loves to buy different shades of lipsticks every week.
~does the grocery shopping.
~loves orange juice early in the morning.
~has driven over the limit.
~will never do so again.
~was betrayed by a good friend.
~forgave that friend.
~can work faster and more efficiently than her coworkers.
~has been used.
~has been a user.
~once gave her best friend a bloody nose.
~dreams to music every night.
~sometimes feels trapped in a role.
~loves being in relationship (will be married soon!)
~misses being single sometimes.
~always makes people feel welcome.
~loves to drink tequila.
~has disappointed loved ones.
~will be a true friend.
~has no interest in drugs
~has a short fuse.
~has treated friends badly in the past.
~works at a job that she never would have imagined. And feels a little more deadened by it with the more time that goes by.
~gets annoyed easily in the morning.
~gets stressed easily (although I never used to).
~easily forgives and forgets.
~takes care of all the details.

I am all of these things. But these things are not all of me.

Go together like a horse and carriage...

I just realized that my views on marriage are similar to my views on a pending work promotion.

Intellectually, I find the idea bankrupt.

Emotionally, I'm attached.

The emotional tie to both is completely irrational.

Yet...there is something there. It's the ought to want to or .... something.

It's the fairy tale.

It's the hopeless romantic in me ... even though I can see myself getting what I want without either.
Is it the approval? The ... you'll be a good kid if you get married or rise as high as you can?

'Cause that's what marriage seems to be...the highest point to which you can go within a relationship.

I know that is complete bullshit.

Why don't you just get married, they said.

As if that was the only way to validate our love.

They wouldn't accept a celebration of our relationship without a ceremony.

And it upset me ... made me feel bad about what I wanted.

I think that's where the emotional part comes from.

From wanting acceptance from everyone else that this is the right decision.

Fuck that train wreck.

I know what is and isn't good for me.

And in addition to not having a rational reason for why I would get married, I know it would not be good for me.

I'd feel too constrained.

I've come so far...have liberated myself in so many ways.

Your definition of success is no longer mine.

I have my own.

Just not with everything.

I need to keep working.

Keep forging ahead.

Keep taking what is important to me and making that my definition of success.

Not taking yours and making it mine.

'Cause you can have one without the other.