Merry Christmas To All!

Today I got the best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. While we miss Papa so much...we're still able to celebrate Christmas in honor of his memory.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!!


May God continue to bless you all...

Beyond...

long weekend it is

anxious to know what's ahead

please give me good news

Saturday Morning Reflection

I am three hours early for my flight to Cebu.


The airport is strategically located in a way that people waiting for boarding are able to enjoy the sunrise. I was just staring at the sunrise few minutes ago...and while sunrise is a thing of beauty to be enjoyed, today sunrise was different. It allowed all the sunken sadness in me to surface. I have never been so sad in my life. I have never felt so lonely...at least not in the past years. 


While holding back tears I decided to take my laptop out and blog. This blog has been my sweet refuge and it had carried me through for years now...so I'm here pounding the keys...with whatever that comes to my mind...just to have something worthwhile to do...other than being sad.


I am going home to be with my father. And every time I think of him and his illness I can't help but ask God why. I know there is always a reason for everything...but I have to be honest, I still have yet to find His reason for giving Papa his illness. My friends are telling me for everything there is always a reason to be grateful...and they all tell me I should be grateful that this happens in a time I can afford it...and it has nothing to do with finances at all! I have friends who are very supportive and a boss who is just behind me all the way. All these mean so much to me, yet at times when I am alone, in moment like this, it seems that no amount of comfort in the world can make me feel better. Just NOTHING.


I am not afraid of death. I am learning to let go. But I cannot bear seeing my father suffer. And if only I can share his pain I would. But I can't...just not possible. 


All I can do is pray and hope that he gets to have peace and accept what he has, without fear....without blame...without the whys... I want him to be ready.


And what was said in the movie Go Towards The Light that "It's the hardest thing anyone could ever have to do, to help someone they love die." How do we make a love one face death without pain, without fear and ultimately without us?

If I Can't...I'd Rather Not

every second seemed to heavy to pass
the hands the clock move as if pained
hours in between roil in a seething mass
hours faded away moments just waned
if i can't sleep with you beside me
i'd rather not sleep at all


sleepless eyes open to herald the dawn
rolling and tossing, all attempts in vain
reliving everything that's said and gone
yet another attempt to hide the pain
if i can't wake with you beside me,
i'd rather not wake at all


the little things do not mean the same
without you there's nothing left to see
hope it's not gone for no one's to blame
fervent desire for another chance maybe
if i can't be me with you beside me,
i'd rather not be me at all

November of My Life

What's up with November?

I remember writing this 5 years ago...

Today was a strange day.
I wanted to scream at someone.Anyone.
I wanted to cry.
I think I need to rent a sad movie and be by myself and just release.
I have no logical reason to feel this way. (Not even PMS is to blame!)
Especally since my attempt at building my dream career is going really well.
Last week was one of the highest points in my life thus far, and never ever thought it could be my lowest!
Maybe that's why I feel so down.
After the high, comes the low.
Maybe it's just because I get this way EVERY November.
Maybe because I need my head examined.
I don't know... all I know is


I'm exhausted
and sad
and elated
and scared
all at the same time.


I also feel like escaping.
Which is another thing that happens every November.


Like I want to be anywhere but HERE.


Anyone but ME.


Unfortunately I just have to go through November to make it to December...something which I always look forward to.