Mixed Nuts

Happy Birthday to two of my friends who just celebrated few days back. I hope you both have an enjoyable one and remember that there will be people attending and people who can not, who are thankful that you arrived as squirming little babies only to grow up into such wonderful and inspiring adults. :-)

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Today was a strange day.
I wanted to scream at someone.Anyone.
I wanted to cry.
I think I need to rent a sad movie and be by myself and just release.
I have no logical reason to feel this way. (Not even PMS is to blame!)
Especally since my attempt at building my dream career is going really well.
Last week was one of the highest points in my life thus far, and never ever thought it could be my lowest!
Maybe that's why I feel so down.
After the high, comes the low.
Maybe it's just because I get this way EVERY November.
Maybe because I need my head examined.
I don't know... all I know is
I'm exhausted
and sad
and elated
and scared
all at the same time.

I also feel like escaping.
Which is another thing that happens every November.
Like I want to be anywhere but HERE.
Anyone but ME.

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It is about...
It is about wanting and need, wanting and need - a peculiar, desperate kind of need, needing to get what you never got, wanting it still, wanting it all the more, nonetheless.
It is about a profound desire for connection.
It is about how much we don't know, how much we can't say, what we don't understand.
It is about how unfamiliar even the familiar can become.

From a collection of short stories by A. M. Holmes titled "Things You Should Know".
Is it about the familiar in myself becoming unfamiliar or the familiarness of someone close to me?
Is it about nothing making sense any more?
Is it about the state of disconnection I feel?
Is it about the constant need for what I don't have?

What is it that YOU want/need/don't know/can't say/don't understand?

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Being a grown up is so not what I thought it would be. My reality is a struggle with infertility, frustrations with my mundane life and many other things that have left me disenchanted.

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Finally, let me leave you with this song from Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building
something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anywayYou can chase a dream
that seems so out of reach
and you know it might not ever come your way,
but dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good,
and when I pray..it don’t always turn out like I think it should…
but I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy and it’s hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today,
believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart,
for all the right reasons,
and in a moment they can choose to walk away,
love ‘em anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in,
that tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang,
sing it anyway….yeah sing it anyway…..yeah

Yeah I’ll sing, I’ll dream, I’ll love… anyway.