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Saturday, December 03, 2011

Saturday Morning Reflection

I am three hours early for my flight to Cebu.

The airport is strategically located in a way that people waiting for boarding are able to enjoy the sunrise. I was just staring at the sunrise few minutes ago...and while sunrise is a thing of beauty to be enjoyed, today sunrise was different. It allowed all the sunken sadness in me to surface. I have never been so sad in my life. I have never felt so least not in the past years. 

While holding back tears I decided to take my laptop out and blog. This blog has been my sweet refuge and it had carried me through for years I'm here pounding the keys...with whatever that comes to my mind...just to have something worthwhile to do...other than being sad.

I am going home to be with my father. And every time I think of him and his illness I can't help but ask God why. I know there is always a reason for everything...but I have to be honest, I still have yet to find His reason for giving Papa his illness. My friends are telling me for everything there is always a reason to be grateful...and they all tell me I should be grateful that this happens in a time I can afford it...and it has nothing to do with finances at all! I have friends who are very supportive and a boss who is just behind me all the way. All these mean so much to me, yet at times when I am alone, in moment like this, it seems that no amount of comfort in the world can make me feel better. Just NOTHING.

I am not afraid of death. I am learning to let go. But I cannot bear seeing my father suffer. And if only I can share his pain I would. But I can't...just not possible. 

All I can do is pray and hope that he gets to have peace and accept what he has, without fear....without blame...without the whys... I want him to be ready.

And what was said in the movie Go Towards The Light that "It's the hardest thing anyone could ever have to do, to help someone they love die." How do we make a love one face death without pain, without fear and ultimately without us?

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