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Friday, November 04, 2011

One Miracle...

I knew something was wrong...

I haven't seen Dad so tired...I haven't seen him weak...and in 2 week time he had grown old so fast.
I have been in several stages of denial...nothing could be wrong. Maybe just one of those days. He had 4 executive check-ups for the past 18 months. Had there been something we should have seen it. The doctors would know...

Yet, all this does not convince me at all. The nosebleeds, the fatigue, the edema, the sugar level...these things are not good signs combined. So I called my Mom and told her to have Dad's liver checked. 

My phone rang...it was the doctor on the other line...he started reading to me the results of all tests and ultrasound...I don't have to hear the rest, I don't have to get the details...Dad has liver cirrhosis. 

How could that be??? He doesn't drink. If he does...only occasionally. He gets regular tests. He never had any history of Hepatitis. Nothing of sort! What caused it??? 

To be honest whatever caused is irrelevant. All I know is my Dad is terribly sick and we can lose him any moment. I am happy to note though that he is still in a "good state"right now. He can walk. He can still travel several miles and go to the farm. He can still do some of the chores... 

Yet...I know that he is no longer how he used to be. 

I am not really sure if I will hit publish as soon as I am done typing whatever is on my head right now. I want to talk about it...and I am talking about it, it's just that I don't think I have told anyone about my feelings about it. You see discussing facts is way different from talking about how you feel about those facts. I just feel I need to tell someone that at some point I am afraid. That I have not been sleeping since I learned about Dad's diagnosis...I just close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. 

I look at Dad and wonder if he is aware....aware that he may leave us anytime. I know it will happen anytime to anyone but I just cannot bear the thought of Dad suffering. Plus...how do you feel someone you love get ready for his time? Did it ever occur to you to ask that question? I did ask myself that 10 years ago while watching the movie "Go Towards The Light", and 10 years ago I prayed so hard not to get into that situation and look where I am now.
And yes I did ask God why. Then I did ask God why Dad? Why like this?
Yet I don't really need His answers. I just need Him to rest His hand on Dad's shoulder. 

Christmas is coming and for most of you who frequent here you know how I love to plan for Christmas. Can you all imagine how difficult it is for me to plan Christmas not knowing what's going to happen in between? 

The doctor said maybe he has 6 months...

Six months.
What can you do in 6 months?
One Christmas...

One New Year...

One Sinulog (Cebu Festival)...

One Valentine's...

One birthday (Dad's birthday is March!)...

One summer...

And then maybe, we will have one miracle.

1 comment:

I.T. Guy said...

Reading this, I can't help but cry. I feel your pain and I completely understand what you are going through...