I am not alone...
Doesn't it feel great to realize that you're not alone in something you thought you were?
Doesn't it feel great to know some stranger out there is experiencing something very similar to you?
Doesn't it feel great to be able to TELL someone?
Posting my secrets and my musings on this blog has been therapeutic, but to really feel like you're telling one person, one person who is going through a similar situation, it's like taking an invisible weight off.
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything
I am Because you loved me
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.For nothing now can ever come to any good.
~excerpt from Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone by W.H. Auden
Is it possible to “get used” to grief? Can it become so commonplace within a life that it is the only and natural way of things? Is it possible to move in continuous and spiraling patterns of grief and not lose yourself in it? How can a person experience loss and devastation over and over again and keep on functioning?
Shouldn’t the earth quit turning? The clocks pause? The music stops playing? Shouldn’t an audible sigh of commiseration be heard around the world? Shouldn’t the water levels rise from all the tears shed? Shouldn’t the sun try to hide its brightness behind the shelter of the clouds?
There should be free passes to get out of work, social engagements, phone calls and idiotic pleasantries. There should be free plane tickets to sob on the shoulder of a friend or sit on a porch quietly with one who understands. There should be a never-ending supply of inexpensive, soothing red wine. And chocolate should be calorie-free. Husbands should never have to travel out of town and mothers should sense the pain without a word offered.
There should be Pain Mediators that issue “Get out of pain free” cards. There should be a limit on grief and when it’s reached, the pain stops. There should be a way to turn things off and on at will and a quick escape to a better way. Well wishes and prayers should be enough and the desperate begging and pleading to no one in particular shouldn’t have to fall on deaf ears.
Too many shoulds.
“Too bad we can’t make up our hearts like we can our minds.”
So said a friend of mine this morning.
Well damn but those words hit home with me. 'Cause you can be damned sure that my heart is often at war with my mind. What my mind might know to be true, my heart cannot quite accept.
How do I make my heart listen? How do I make it stop hurling accusations and telling me things I can’t bear to hear? How do I tell it that it doesn’t make any sense? How do I let reason win out over blame? How can my mind tell my lips to smile when all I want to do is scream?
The truth is that I am ruled by my heart and there’s just nothing I can do about it. My heart’s pain doesn’t go away just because my mind tells me that’s what’s good for me. Part of me likes to be ruled by my heart. I’m passionate. I’m fiery. I have crazy highs and lows. Sometimes I’m glad to be a woman of extremes. Sometimes making no sense is what makes the most sense to me.
But damn it all to hell, it can be painful.
To be or not to be...That is the question.
In control, that is.
I like to be in control.I'm a bit of a control freak, if truth be told.
But I have a fantasy that centers around NOT being in control...
I recently watched the movie "Closer". There is a very powerful scene in the beginning of the movie, where Dan (played by Jude Law) is being photographed by Anna (Julia Roberts). She's a very "together" woman on the outside. She controls the photography session, telling him which way to pose, giving directions...
Then the roles reverse, and he, standing, simply commands "Come here." You can see her weigh the possibilities and consequences in her mind before taking a few defiant steps closer to him. He walks the rest of the way and they kiss.
Very simple. Very direct. Very powerful. He had the upper hand for a few brief moments. She let herself be controlled, gave in to letting someone else take over... decides.
Do you allow yourself a moment of abandon (or taking control) with your significant other or do you reserve that for your fantasies?
*wink
