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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Watching You Go Is Like Spying On Hope

I have wasted most of today and my day started last night. I woke up at around 10 pm somewhat knotted from a restless night of what you could only call sleep. I was at work since 11pm til 8am. It is now 2pm and I am sitting here in my favorite coffee shop with a cup of of my favorite machiatto. What I did between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. is still a mystery to me.

I can be somewhere right now but I would rather be here. I cannot call the person I most want to talk to. Well, I could and I am sure he would be happy (not sure though if she would be but only because he would think that a phone call from me would mean more than "a call." He would think that it meant that I also wanted to...whatever...CRAP.

But my short-term happiness or momentary comfort (as I would rather call it) maybe is less important than our long-term sanity.

I was rude today. God, I was rude today. And that was to put it mildly though. Was he hurt or not is immaterial, because I know I was RUDE to him. Heartsinsanfranciso said it well when she said something like "Brute force closes hearts really fast." Though it was in a different context, I just feel the line jumping out from the screen. Then, the line struck me again..."I do block you...". Did he say that because I was hurting him? Or because my rudeness was born out of me being hurt? I wished I was just too dumb not to know what he meant by it...or too caloused not to think what he meant by it. The sad part is I know it was a decision he had to make, a sound and logical decision. And it only takes few hours for me to question if I still agree on that decision...and if he still want me/ us back. And I am having a hard time thinking about it without crying...but I know he made the right decision. I made the right decision.

I know that if I went back, we would relapse into what once was. Nothing is really different. I think our relationship would be more tense. I have a hard time with weakness. I crave strength around me. He has more physical strength than anyone I could date but he lacks the emotional strength that I want.

Fuck. I do not know if that is it, either. I guess, it is like this: I am a highly functioning neurotic mess. That might be a bit strong, but that is how I feel sometimes. I have these insecurities and irrational thoughts that I can brush aside to live a seemingly productive life. I am quite industrious and there is not much that I let get in my way when I want something. I reserve all of my irrationality and insecurity for my alone time--mostly. I am slowly, but surely, getting to the spot where I talk to other people about what's going on inside my head, too. And most of the time with him.

The point. I'm not all that strong emotionally and neither are some men I'm attracted to. I and others have figured out how to get past it at some point, though. And while many of us continue to struggle with it, it does not control us. It does control him.


Maybe I'm lacking personal goals. What the fuck am I living for right now? What am I working toward? What do I look forward to? Where am I headed?

Fuck if I know.

Was this different before? Yes and no. He and I had goals together. Yes, we do have our own bubble and yes, we did try setting goals together. Making a home for us and for our future children. Hell no, not with him. Making each other happy. Yes, we tried. So really. Nothing is different. Except that there is no us. So. It's different.

Staring at my coffee, I wonder, what's my mission? I've had this on my mind for awhile. Not in so many words, but a similar thought. (The mission part comes from the work section of my brain.) Before this moment it was more like: what the fuck am I doing here (here is Earth, my workplace...our bubbles)?The answer? I have no fucking clue.

These are the times when it feels like it would be easier if I believed in an afterlife. But I don't. And not until I have a personal experience that proves otherwise, then it will stay that way.
Where does that leave me? I don't really know.

I do know that I'm floundering a bit. Still.

I also know that I have been floundering personally for most of my life but what got me here won't get me ... to the next spot. I have to change. I have rarely, if ever floundered professionally (including school). I didn't have a choice or too many of it but the choice was so unappealing to me that I wouldn't allow myself to take another road. I was bound and determined to do what I want, get a degree, and get a job that would make sure that I would never have to rely on someone else for food, clothing, or shelter. Okay, I did that. Now what?

I have to redefine my life. Redefine where I'm going and what I'm doing. I arrived at a professional destination and I think I'll stay here for awhile longer. Or maybe not.

I just need something else in my life. Something to work toward. A Balanced Scorecard for my life, if you will. I just wish I had a good vision for where I'm going so that I could set goals that...whatever. I guess my vision...or what I want to be when I grow to be someone who enjoys the time I'm here and does so without regret.

So what do I need to get there?

(1) I need to be physically healthy.
(2) I need to be financially secure to provide food, clothing, and shelter.
(3) I need to be fully informed.

That's the foundation I need to be happy. Sort of like my own condensced hierarchy of needs. Without those three things, the rest doesn't matter.

Alright, so that's what I need.

What do I want? What are the common themes I want in my life?

(1) People--strong relationships with those who make me happy by making them happy.
(2) Exploration--emotional, sexual, and geographical.
(3) Challenge--intellectual and physical.
(4) Comfort--physical and emotional.

Hmmmm...we'll have to work on this a bit. I'm not sure. I guess just consider this a draft.

Oh. I know there's one other thing.

And I could use a little good old fashioned hope.


Wholly Burble said...

Hope is a good thing to begin with as well as end with!

Sounds like you're having quite a tug of war of the mind and possibly the heart here.

I have settled the question of my faith many many years ago--and it is the foundation stone on which I stand and keeps me from faltering along the way daily. Hope that you find your foundation stone in life soon, and then at least when you're needing to ask a lot of questions, you'll be able to do it on top of a rock that keeps you in the up-right position (life will throw enough curve balls your way, at least then you'll be grounded and resolved in one area of your life so the ball won't knock you silly).

Blessings in your search.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes when things go wrong we seem to think that we need to make some grand gesture - to leave a giant mark on this life. I think it stems from feeling like if that person doesn't like me - what now? As you know, this time will pass. Although it'll be hard, but just know that you're normal in your feelings.

Sending happy thoughts your way!

Rick said...

Hey, you don't know me, and I normally keep my comments on blogs light hearted, but you bring up some very important issues.

It's interesting how your connected your need for a purpose with your thoughts of an after-life.

I do believe in an after-life - God. ONE of the reasons I believe is because without God I am a product of a biological accident and I can't believe that all this happens by chance. If He is not there then where does my purpose for existing come from? It IS a step for faith, but there are many logical reasons to believe that God exist.

You will NEVER find your purpose in a relationship with a man.

I recommend the Purpose Drive Life, as a good book for you to read. It's very popular and should be easy to find.

Enough said - just passing through and leaving a link for my blog. The content there is not so deep as yours.

Rick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jan said...

Sounds like you could use a (((((((HUG))))))) too. I guess this Hug Monday.


Mariposa said...

Thanks alot guys! I'm just in my highs and lows lately...

And Rick, yes, I do have that book, it was given to me as a gift, maybe it's time I should start reading it.

Rick said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and for leaving you kind comment - even though I ended up posting my little "sermon" two times. I hate it when I do that.


Mukul said...

"Watching You Go Is Like Spying On Hope "
so poetic
however the insecurities , the struggles bring out a naturalness
we often live in idealist thoughts and remain uncomfortable with ourselves....
A calm sea is the most serene and composed sight , but it holds a thousand storms in her bosom...
why not let yourself go..rise with the tides and as it ebbs look at the hills and the horizon beyond...
live because that is the purpose of life
and of course
be happy!