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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I Will Not Be Shaken

I have not been well lately...and though I seemed to manage one day at a time, it does not change the fact that I'm battling with issues within me.

Ch@ni the Th@il@nd G@l had provided me the journey to my healing. Thanks so much for sharing with me (us) a part of you...

Ch@ni's last post, When We Know Better, We Do Better had been an eye opener to me. In that post she talks about friendships and friends who are just "emotionally unavailable" for us at times...though we know this could be true all the time at times. That post said in brief what I have been wanting to rant here for weeks now, but did not for some reasons that the person I might be talking about gets to be here...I want healing...and I don't want any more emotional confrontations. Ch@ni's post reminded me that I have retired myself from that kind of stress years ago. And there should be no way I should go back to it...it is nothing but toxic to myself.

I have some imbalance in my system...just as some people have diabetes, peptic ulcers, hypertension...I have hormonal imbalance and was inclined to be emotionally unstable at times. I've known that years ago...and I believe I have diminished that ghost in my past so perfectly with the help of wonderful people in LA. The journey did so well, but it did not afford me my ability to sing after that. Yet, the loss was dwarfed by people's love that I managed to still spread my wings and soar high, 'til I reach this high.

I was doing a good job at it...great at that I guess. For years, I have not seen that ghost revisiting me. Well, those moments when my energy soars so high and tons of work are just in a blink of an eye are there...but I have balanced them so well that I get to control my high to plateau and slowly...very slowly go down...without any stress.

About three years ago...I decided to work in a call center. People around me were a bit apprehensive as it may triggered unnecessary stress. I needed to work then not for financial reason but for myself. I wanted meaning in my life and I cannot accept that a mere imbalance in my system will stop me from becoming the person I ought to be. It had already stopped my career at the theater...it should end there. It should not stop me from doing other things. So I started as an agent...as I felt, starting from scratch despite my work and academic background were all necessary for me to keep going...to me then, I was like developing a muscle and learning how to walk again...I was still 23 then. In a year time, I became Operations Manager in a BPO and set-up an outbound call center with them. After almost 2 years, I move to my present job where I would love to call myself as Process Improvement Evangelist.

Working environment here is such a challenge...and to make it short, it had brought that ghost in my past back. I'm having problems sleeping again...I feel down almost everyday, and I'm having a hard time going up when I'm in my lows. I have too many times, insinuated myself over friendships which were after all unavailable...

So, I'm thinking, I'd bee seeing myself to be down with a pill everyday again soon...

Then, Ch@ni posted these two powerful lines:

We teach others how to treat us.

When we know better, we do better.

And I just know what to do...I just have to be reminded once in awhile...I offer gift of friendship...unconditionally, if they don't want involvement in any way....then, they're not ready to be my friends. And I will not feel bad for being refused to...I have a gift, nobody wants it...so I might as well offer to others who are willing to risk involvement with me. I have a wonderful family...a loving understanding and supportive bf, good real friends...and I have you...and yes, I feel your care in my monitor!

I remember now so clearly what my Spiritual Director used to tell me, to never allow negative thoughts to go beyond two sentences. He said...

"Do not allow them to become a story because that can overwhelm you,
the Lord doesn’t want us to be shaken.”


Mariposa learns to fly once again...

10 comments:

Liza said...

I've heard from many na stressful talaga ang mga call centers, ny SIL used to work at info-nxx mahirap nga raw talaga.

Thanks for dropping by and your comment. ;) Take care and wishing you a stress-free day.

Gabriel said...

Mariposa, thanks for sharing this with us. I think I understand exactly how you feel, you have been very clear.

You sure sound like a very passionate, loving, caring woman. You're bound to face disappointment when other people cannot be as caring as you are. In most cases, they just can't, it's not a matter of will.

I'm not in a position to give anybody any advice, but I will still tell you not to get discouraged, because chances are you will have some of those confrontations in the future. Most importantly, do not change your ways in order to adapt or please others.

There's nothing wrong with who you are. Us who come here everyday can testify that. ;-)

Mariposa said...

Oh, Gabriel thank you so much for such wonderful comment! You have no idea how good it makes me feel right now...thanks again!

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Mariposa, you probably already know this, but some good exercise every day can help counteract both the stress and the imbalances. I hope you feel more centered soon - I know it's a hard road and it sounds like you've been doing VERY well!

Huge hugs to you.

Wholly Burble said...

It sounds like you're finding your center again. That's an important step for you. You can only make your own choices, never the other person's--so it's good not to invest emotionally in their responses TO you.

I'm pleased you can count all the people who do love and care for you--as you can witness from the number of responses to your blogsite, you have many people who are there for you, and willing to take the time to respond!

Nice to hear your upbeat ending to this post--I will continue to hold you in my prayers.

Arlene said...

Yes, thank you for sharing. I know too much of the pain far too well.

zamejias said...

I'm glad you've found your ways to come in terms with what you're feeling/thinking now.

My sister is a call center agent and we've been telling her to quit all these times. She might do that this year. :-)

Anvilcloud said...

Th@il@nd G@l has many good thoughts about life. Like the rest of us, she is still learning about herself and life. You're young; be very patient with yourself. You should be proud that you are getting along so well.

bipolarlawyercook said...

If they don't have the sense to take your friendship, they don't have the sense to be friends to you when you need them. I'm glad you've gotten to where you don't take it personally. We all have our ups and downs. I'm glad you've weathered yours.

Zoely said...

Wow. just, wow. really well written, clear, intense.