Butterflies...

Last night was special in more ways than one...

He said "Hi"

I turned around not letting him see the smile that had spreas all over my face and replied "Yes I am..."

Any idea where I stole that line? *wink

Can you help me?

I'd rather know if you had turned the page
If you go faster than I do
Suddenly it's not so clear just what I am to you
Am I friend, am I lover, do we still need each other
When you touch me, when you touch me baby I can tell

What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now
If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here
What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now
Do you love me still or do you just mean well

I can see clearly how im hurting you
Every breath gives you a way
All we go on separate roads has gone in the way.
Am I friend, am I lover, do we still need each other
When you hold me, when you hold me baby I can tell

What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now
If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here
What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now
Do you love me still or do you just mean well

Time became a poison looking slowly on my home
Screwing all the memories, Is it tearing us apart
When you touch me, when you touch me baby I can tell

What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now
If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here
What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now
Do you love me still or do you just mean well

What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now
If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here
What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now
Do you love me still or do you just mean well

Do you love me still or do you just mean well

When the going gets tough...

Mariposa gets slogging.

That is what it feels like since I started with this company 10 months ago. There is really nothing wrong with spending more hours at work if it is necessary, but when it becomes like part of your shift to stay at least 3 hours everyday, that is a different story. Personally I wold say what is the point of overtime if you are able to do it within the your shift? I hate to think that loyalty and hardwork are measure by the number of OTs you render in a month. For me, that is inefficiency! But what about unreasonable deadlines? Ah, that is a different story.

That is my story for the day.

I am working of a zillion of processes and procedures right now, not to mention the fact that I need to draft the policy that would suport each of those, including forms, flow charts, everything! And, I have until mid of April to do them all. Fine, 15 days is not so bad, well, can I mention the fact that 5 days of that 15 days are holidays? So that leaves me with just 10 days, less my rest days, so that makes it 7 days! Unless I decide to literally live in my office for those days, I just don't think I would be able to finish everything.

To make matter worst, I have to prepare for an exam. Yes, another set of exam to get accreditation with COPC, and I only have those 5 holidays to make my preparations. This exam is like a make or break in my career at this moment, damn if I get it, damn if I don't. It's like the devil and the deep blue sea...now I'm getting a headache.

I'm squeezing my head for a focus, but focus on what? My processes or my exam? I should say everything are so untimely for me right now. I'm going through a lot os stress with work politics, emotional conflicts, issues with relationship (oh yes, I have a love life too you know, something so important to me, and has been neglected because of this so called job that I have) personal needs, and a long list of what have you.

I just can't help but feel shitty about all these predicaments...I have a lot of things to do and I just don't think I'd be able to finish them all even if I work for 24 hours. how freaking cool is that?
Well that’s about it, I suppose. Everything else is status quo. I still have my body parts, and I think I still have my sanity too. :P

I am just hoping for the best and getting ready for the worst.

Guess we won’t know till we know.

I Need A Vacation

I am still trying to compose my speech for my request for a leave when the Director called for a meeting. There was no clear agenda so I was guessing maybe it will just be a FYI thing for all managers since I know her stay in the center will be very short.

I was right, she just shared with us her map for the whole company and specifically for our Center here in Asia. It was very ambitious and I share with her goals...but it was very overwhelming too. I was overwhelmed because I will support her Map through my processes and procedure. I am honored to be given that trust and confidence but I need a break....Depstie the big load of work that is ahead I was still fine since I love my job and I am very efficient and effective at it. I never had problems working with deadlines and all...but I almost fell from my chair when she announced that there will be no leaves for management (leaves that will take for more than 2 to 3 days) from now until first quarter of next year.

I was trying to check my senses...I was in denial...what's going to happen to the speech that I am preparing?! What's going to happen to my plan to take a break? More importantly, what about the people that I need that leave for?

There must be sense and meaning in all this...God give me the strengh!

So, I'm back in my office...I think I just lost my kindred spirit after the meeting.

I'm going back to my Process Map now...maybe I will figure out a way later.

The Four Tenets of Zen Remembered

1.Life is pain.

2.One must still the cravings for life, which is fed by perceptions and feelings.

3.The cessation of pain, resulting from the cessation of cravings, brings man into Nirvana, and to end the cycle of rebirth.

4.To achieve Nirvana follow the Eightfold Way:

1. Right views;
2. Right intention;
3. Right speech;
4. Right action;
5. Right livelihoood;
6. Right effort;
7. Right mindfulness;
8. Right concentration.

I have always tried to live the Kaizen Way through this four (4) tenents. Life has been difficult since, but I had no choice, this was the way I was brought up.

Last night was another struggle for me. We had our company management team building. It has been a fact that my work has been one of the most humbling experience I've had, maybe because I am forced and have decided to keep up with it and not to quit until I have made the company at least a step closer to the nearest state of perfection as far as process improvement is concern. Why? Because this is what I love to do! For the first time, I do't feel like working at all! But professional life do always put into tests...always, and that is exactly what I am going through right now. So yesterday's activity was a hope for me to make things better for me in the workplace.

With all modesty, I believe I did a very good job. I have approached all members of management with sincerity...I put all my cards in the table, and I only ask for one thing from them - to allow me to be of help to them and to their department in any way. I wanted us to push each othe up, not for anything else but because that is my job. I do process improvement, but I need cooperation to d that.

But what do you do when you are a target of a toxic coworker as I have been?

Yes, I have been "targeted". At first I thought I was just imagining the situation. But yesterday's event made it so clear that truly these types of people do exist!

I was overwhelmed! But I remember the way of the Zen...and one thing is for sure now, adjusting ones perception to the reality might help bring the problem or at least the conflict into clearer focus.
Yes, these workplace issues are real, and it is happening to me, I just try and get through each day and move on, I can only change myself. It seems that there are just some people in this world who have a need to attack others. I just don't understand their motivation though. My guess is that they fear people with personal integrity and they don't know how to get it for themselves, except by degenerating others.

So beginning today, I resolve to:

*Stay focused on my goals. I will be more organized and prepared at all times....and since I'd rather not deal with this individual more than I have to, I will be as efficient as I can to avoid additional and unnecessary steps in the tasks at hand.

*Kill him with kindness. I believe this works in all realms of life with people you might not see eye to eye with. The nicer I am, the harder it will be for him to treat me badly. (Or them for that matter.)

*Get other coworkers involved. I will make sure to include other people in all projects that I will be working on. With other people around, I won’t have to deal with that ndividual by myself!

*Use other forms of communication. Though maybe it's best to call someone to get things done, I intend to send more emails just to avoid dealing with this difficult person. I hope this avoids face-to-face conflicts.

*Give difficult people a second chance. I will not discount a person’s efforts forever if I have only met them once. Some people may have bad days, and it’s quite possible they are not always hard to get along with.

I pray for strength not to retaliate in any way that would belittle my self. After all, true victory is not defeating an enemy, true victory gives love and changes to the enemy's heart.

Yes, life indeed is difficult, it is pain. And I will continue embracing it as it is.

Thank you so much Red for making me remember the way.